[RANT] Frustrating Breaks & Worn Out Desire

Earlier this week I completed Step 1.3 – inking all the images. This is freaking awesome. I mean, sure, it took me a month, but I completed them all! The final image completed was for a side image for the Kelly’s Journey website with the main characters looking down into Daisy’s camera set on a self timer. The lined version looks better than the original sketch, surprisingly enough. I thought I was going to have to edit a lot, but luckily I didn’t.

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 19.42.17 PM

Also, luckily the image is going to be nice and small because it’s still pretty dang crappy.

I’ve been debating for weeks whether I should immediately start doing base colour after completing the line art or should I take a break? You have one part of me urging me to get it done since I finished my artwork later than I would have liked. Then there’s the other part that thinks I should take a nice, long break simply because I skipped over my last few in favour of getting my artwork done.

Doing artwork is like walking up a steep hill for me. At first, it doesn’t seem too bad. I mean, yeah, I have to put in a lot of effort, but it’s not too bad. It’s even fun! However, I start nearing the middle of the hill and that’s when I start to get tired. I have trouble controlling my tablet pen because my patience is growing thin. I press down hard, which makes the lines less elegant. It’s annoying. THEN I get towards the top of the hill and I’m ready to throw my dang tablet because HOLY SHIZNIT, I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF WORKING ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT ARTWORK. Then I get to the top of the hill and guess what I see?

MORE FREAKING HILLS.

I GET NO SATISFACTION BECAUSE, HEY, LOOK, MORE FREAKING HILLS I NEED TO CLIMB OVER TO GET TO WHAT I WANT.

Speaking of hills, why is the idiom “going up hill from here” a GOOD thing? I mean, going up hills are HARD. ESPECIALLY when they’re steep. It’s easy to get warn out. Why don’t we say “going down hill from here” instead as a good thing, instead of a bad thing? Going down hill is a lot smoother. Unless you lost control of a vehicle or something. If you’re going by foot though, down hill is about a billion times easier.

Okay, back to the actual topic. I am frustrated with myself for going so slow. I hate that I am currently so worn out that I can’t work on base colour. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I HAVE been working on base colour.

Screen Shot 2013-08-01 at 01.11.48 AMIt’s just been a lot more frustrating than usual.

The nice thing about base colour is that it’s really, really easy to do. Yes, I am worn out, but if I REALLY wanted to push myself to do base colour, I could. I really, really could.

Screen Shot 2013-08-01 at 01.34.11 AMBase colour requires me to use the paint bucket tool, set to sampling all layers to it fills in between the lines, so I don’t need to select the individual lines with the wand tool.

It’s one of those things I can do even though I’m frustrated. I’ll move slowly, but it’s still entirely possible for me to do, even if it makes me want to chuck my tablet pen. Especially when I start doing the base colour for my painted dreams style since it uses SO many layers. Different sections (hair, skin, etc.) have to be on different layers, as does different colours. It’s time consuming!

Screen Shot 2013-08-01 at 21.36.33 PM

The part of me that wants me to do the base colour, just to get it over with, is begging me to work on it – get it done! It’s easy to do, even when you’re frustrated! You just need to use the freakin’ paint bucket and set up layers! YOU CAN DO IT!

On the flip side, I AM frustrated and I do need a break. In an attempt to get my artwork done faster, I’ve been taking little power breaks instead of the long ones. (I sort of want to do one of those for this too, but again, I am tired). It helps a tiny bit, like a teaspoon instead of a gallon. It helped me enough to get through one line art a day, if not more. Of course, my frustrations came back rather quickly. I’m still feeling frustrated since I just finished line art and I’m already jumping to the next step. I mean, can’t I have a break already?!

Of course, thinking about taking another one of the long breaks frustrates me more because, according to the scheduling, I’ll be lucky to have my website done by November. How upsetting! I really, really wanted my commissions back open by then (it would be an extra $4 to $50 I could really use) and wanted to be back to studying Japanese, but noooooo. I have to take stupidly long breaks because they seem to work the best for me to be refreshed/recharged enough to work on stuff.

I really wanted to complete my main three goals of this year. Now it looks like I’ll be lucky enough to complete two! I really wanted to try and focus on other things next year, but it seems like Japanese is going to be dedicated to most of it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

So, why can’t I just reopen my commissions now?

I have brand new prices and choices I need to put up. Yes, I could technically put them up now, but I have examples that go along with them too to let people see my current skill level and have a better idea of what I can do. If I put up the new prices & choices now, I would have to go with older artwork which may not reflect what I currently do. Not to mention, I don’t think I have examples for all the new choices either…except in my work in progress folder for the website artworks!

I can’t really work on the layouts now either since I need to make the graphics and I can’t make the graphics until I have the freakin’ artwork done!

I hate knowing too that because I haven’t coded anything for a while, it’s probably going to take me two or three days to even get used to coding again and get back into it. (Once I get back into it though, it should be a lot smoother…I hope.)

I also doubt that this blog will be having a custom layout by me anytime soon so I’ll either have to commission someone else to do it (do not want) or I’ll have to do it when I have some time to actually sit down and learn how to code a WordPress layout.

What I WISH I could do right now is:
– Take a short “power ban” from either today (Friday) until Monday or from Saturday until Monday
– Spend the next week (minus Wednesday, maybe) or two completing base colour (I only have 42 images out of 52 left to apply base colour to, which means I would have to do 3 to 6 a day…which doesn’t sound that bad and possible…)
– Take my long break (11 days or so)
– Complete all main website images (splash images & main page images); subsites can wait
– Take another long break
– Complete remaining images with time divided with actually working on the website!

The website would probably end up with a late October/mid-November release with that sort of schedule.

I’m guessing reality will end up more like this though:
– Long break
– I’ll get through about 3~8 images in the 9 or 10 days I’m back from my break (Mid-August)
– Long break
– I’ll do remaining base colour because I’m sure by the time I hit the previous 6 or 7th day, I’ll be angry and will have slowed down. This will probably take me the remaining week to do with random breaks in between. I’ll start the shading too near the end of this week.
– Long break (mid-September)
– Continue shading
– Long break (beginning of October)
– Continue shading
– Long break (mid-October?)
– Continue shading
– Long break
– Continue shading
– Long break
– Continue shading
– Long break
– Continue shading
– Long break
– Continue shading
– Long break
– Continue shading AND ACTUALLY START THE GRAPHICS…maybe. Or just continue shading.

UGH. THIS FRUSTRATES ME MORE. I don’t want that to be my reality. It’ll be late November/early December if I’m lucky. IF I AM LUCKY.

I really wanted to finish my website, write three more episodes of Kelly’s Journey this year (episodes 19 to 21), AND finish my Japanese textbook, but it looks like I’ll be lucky enough to even get to those final two.

I’ll be lucky enough to even finish my website.

And now a part of me is starting to worry about another thing…keeping my deviantART active. My back catalog finishes posting at the end of this month. I have a few images (VERY FEW) images that are non-website related that I can post. I have some Kelly’s Journey 4-Panel comics I never posted because I had wanted to do more and some chibis…

kellychibi

Arrrgggh.

It’s not like I can jump in and do the other images I’ve drawn during my breaks, now can I, since it’s still doing artwork? Or will my brain consider it something different because it’s not for my website (sort of how like last year I was able to draw artwork for others and direct fan art, but nothing for me, while working on my back catalog, despite it still being artwork)? I don’t know.

I did try to do some today, but I got bored.

Yeah, I got bored.

When do I ever get bored.

Not too often, that’s for sure.

I’m just full of anger and frustration. I hope I can sort out these ill feelings inside of me and come to some sort of satisfying conclusion.