[RAMBLES ] Where to Go, Where to Move…

I’m still feeling pretty exhausted and almost as if I don’t want to do anything, despite I know I do. I still have a handful of commissions to work on right now. Work is asking for us CSMs to do more than we already do. The house I live in is near vacant and stagnant. I feel like my only shred of light is my partner, but his light is to become no more than a sliver soon for reasons out of my control. I started to become happier over the past two years or so. I feel like that happiness is being ripped out by the roots and it’s wearing me out.

I feel kind of lost right now. My first instinct is just to ignore it all. I should just follow my flow, of whatever I feel like doing — if I feel like sitting down and reading a book, I should do that. If I feel like getting up and dancing, I should. If I feel like tackling my partner onto the couch and give him a huge hug & a kiss, then I should do it. However, a part of me, the fearful part of me, is saying, no, I can’t ignore it all. I have to do whatever I can, all due to the changes coming up in life.

It’s just so hard for me — some of it is decisions of where to go and what to do, while others is trying to decide if I should follow my instincts or not.

All my decisions require a sacrifice of some sort. They range from myself being utterly miserable to myself being actually pretty happy or content. Most of decisions do involve another person being unhappy, which breaks my heart to know. I can’t figure out if I should aim for myself being happy or should I aim for the other person to be happy, even if it means I might end up a bit unhappy. I don’t know…

Again, my instincts come up. I want to just ignore everything and just wait for when I feel something is the “right time”. I hear a non-existent person telling me that I’m just using “escapism” if I do anything unrelated to life decisions. I ~have~ to figure out where I need to go RIGHT NOW, it’s telling me. RIGHT NOW. I’m not allowed to do anything else.

I ignore that non-existent person though.

I don’t feel like by ignoring everything and focusing on something else, I’m doing escapism. I feel like I’m doing EXACTLY what I’m suppose to be doing — waiting for the little bell to go off inside of me that makes me know, without a doubt, that I should do something. I find if I ignore this “bell” and the feeling inside of me that I’m just suppose to “wait”, things tend to either not happen or things go wrong, no matter how much I push them.

This feels like one of those moments — I shouldn’t be pushing anything. Either nothing will come from it and/or things will turn out terrible.

However, I keep getting whacked with fear right in the face, pretty much from people who aren’t me. They’re essentially me I need to do all this NOW because THEY want me too.

Unfortunately for them, that’s not how this whole instinct/intuition thing works, especially once I learned how it works.

And right now, I’m getting a “don’t push anything”. I have to sit back and wait.

I don’t mind sitting back and waiting.

It’s the fear that doesn’t like it.

But it’s gotta stop.

I feel so terrible right now…

Ugh.