[RAMBLES] March 2014 – March Sucks

Hello everybody! It’s time for that super lovely-but-not-lovely monthly update again! I was hoping to update earlier this month, but I didn’t feel like it.

And “I didn’t feel like it” feels like the theme for this entire month. This month started out pretty decently. I mean, it was no comeback like February had been where I was completely sure I was going to fail, but instead I managed to do just about everything I wanted to. No, March started off with me simply finishing off whatever I needed to do for my commissions website.

I fully launched the commissions website on March 6th, following up with my deviantART reopening a day later. I contacted all those who wanted a commission and waited. Two out of three of the clients almost immediately told me what they wanted and I’ve been slowly working on them since then.

I’m fairly surprised – I was sure my clients were going to force payment on me before I finished their images, but nope! For some reason, EVERYONE seemed unable to pay before, but after! Which is perfectly fine by me because that’s the way I wanted it. Funny how things work out like that.

Unfortunately, commissions seemed to be the only thing that really worked out for me this month.

My birthday came shortly after I reopened commissions and I spent about four days with my lovely assistant, Hurricane360. Which I knew I shouldn’t have done.

For over a month now, my brain was telling me don’t celebrate my birthday with anyone. Nobody at all. Even after I invited Hurricane360 and one of our mutual friends, my brain was telling me, no, cancel those plans. Heck, don’t even spend it with your mom and younger sister. Just spend it by yourself, relaxing.

How stupid I am for not listening. I had two days off from work (my birthday and the day after) and for some reason, my brain decided to give me permission to invite one of my co-workers to dinner with my mom and younger sister. Since I thought it was silly – why invite a co-worker and not my assistant? So I invited my assistant.

Only my assistant could come, of course.

The four days with him were…nice. I mean, they weren’t the most amazing thing in the world and I’m sure by next year all I’m going to remember is that he came over my house and we had some amazing strawberry cupcakes with cream cheese frosting with a fresh slice of strawberry my younger sister made. I’m not going to remember anything else. Oh, and that when we were watching Pocket Monsters XY, I squealed so many times at Keromatsu, he kept covering my mouth while I was saying “IT’S SO CUTE”. That was pretty funny!

After he left though…things definitely started to go down hill.

All my energy seemed to be drained from me. I felt weak, flimsy, unstable, and lacking of confidence, which are all things I’m not (okay, except for maybe weak…unless I’m angry. Then I can move a building). Even at work, when they were asking me if I was ready to become a CSM and they were lightly training me for it, I felt like I couldn’t do it.

I managed to pull through for commissions, probably because I haven’t done them in about a year and a half, so it was refreshing. However, I could not pull through my own goals, other than the ones at work (which were more thanks to those who support me, rather than myself – so thank you, my supporters).

All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. I was hurting inside emotionally/mentally and knew the best thing for me to do was just sleep, just sleep as non-stop as I could. I wasn’t able to do so until later in the month.

I tried really hard to work on my goals – I really did! I thought that maybe, just maybe if I could get myself just to started them, I could finish them before the end of the month (sometimes starting something is harder than anything else). Alas, that didn’t work for me for about three weeks.

I did manage to slowly inch through my goals – I dabbled some of the Kelly’s Journey episode 2 rewrite (which, at the same time, realized that the original version of the episode is actually pretty good itself, so it probably doesn’t actually have to be rewritten, but just fleshed out a bit – I’ll decide that in the editing process) and began reading a tutorial on how to make a WordPress layout – but I didn’t go as deeply into them as I really wanted to.

For the month of March, I wanted to complete both Kelly’s Journey episode 20 and episode 2’s rewrite. Then I wanted to go ahead to episode 21 and episode 3’s rewrite and either complete both of those or get them both at least halfway done. I also wanted to have my blog layout started, perhaps down to have the colours in or something. As you can tell from everything I wrote so far, that didn’t happen.

The longer I waited to work on my goals, the more I started getting angry and a bit depressed. I didn’t realize this though until a few days ago – I was too busy fighting another internal battle.

You see, I’ve been calling Hurricane360 my boyfriend. If you know me, I hate the terms boyfriend/girlfriend (along with a bunch of other couple-terms people use). If you ask me why I hate them, I really don’t know at this current point – I just feel like there is A LOT societal pressures attached to them that I don’t approve of (like the man paying for dinner, the girl sitting on the guys lap, companion shopping, etc.). Despite that I hate these terms and find the concept DISGUSTING, I used them anyway, primarily out of convenience. My feelings for Hurricane360 are somewhat similar to what a boyfriend/girlfriend might have for each other, but they’re different. I’m not quite sure what his feelings are on it, but he just so blindly loves me so much, he’s fine with me calling him whatever.

Since I’ve been calling him “boyfriend”, I have had some very majour internal freak outs. I am HIGHLY disgusted with myself for such a thing and my mind has been wanting me to break up with him because of it. While I DO find break ups to be a positive thing (I see them as freedom), I kept debating if I wanted to or not. A part of me wanted to keep him, but a part of me didn’t. I think what VERY heavily contributed to my freak out was the fact I WAS calling him “boyfriend” and the more I said it, the more it nailed it into my head and began drowning out my true feelings towards him, which was NOT of a boyfriend, not entirely.

I knew I needed a different word to call him. Something that resembled what I felt was much more appropriate than those disgusting, hollow “boyfriend/girlfriend” words. I also knew I needed to distance myself from him for a while, just take a break, since I was still constantly talking to him despite how unstable I was and hurt him numerous times.

I’ve been in the middle of some sort of internal battle these past few weeks and the poor boy accidentally fell in between it, getting hurt in the process, which I am sorry for.

I still don’t feel entirely happy about it and complete, despite that when I went up and saw him, I totally felt that magnetic attraction again. I actually hate having that feeling because I feel needy. However, since I realized I see him more as an assistant (that, and a study subject), I’ve felt a BIT better.

When I texted him a rant I had about why I didn’t want to come up (though, I guess I’m glad I did in the long run), another majour reason for my depression and unstableness was revealed: I haven’t worked on my goals as much as I would have liked.

I did have a feeling that not working on my goals was going to make me unstable, but I didn’t want to admit it. I knew this was going to happen though. It always does. If I’m not working on creative things FOR MYSELF that I want to do, I get depressed.

I apologized to him and cried a bit too. I still feel incomplete though – I really need to give him some more love for still loving me despite I have been so cruel and willing to support me. I don’t think I could really ask for someone better. This is the first time I’ve had somebody love me back (though, I still strongly believe he loves me in a way that I am personally not capable of doing back; I have my own version of love though).

Since I spent time with him, I realize just how badly I need him here with me. I suffer from some majour insecurities when it comes to relationships and I have a stupid fear that if I stop talking to him, he’ll leave me. If he was just here with me, I would feel a lot better, despite I feel he will inevitable leave me one day for someone else. For now though…he’s with me and I want it to stay that way.

I want him to be physically with me too. I want to come home and see him in my room making music or something like that. I don’t know. I just want him here next to me. I know he wants that too! And he sounds so perfect to me, even with all his little flaws – I swear he says all the right things! I joke to myself that I want to make him into a “househusband” and it seems like he wouldn’t mind doing that. He seems fine (or willing even) to take care of some of the more mundane stuff I don’t get to unless I feel like it because I am bound to my body’s scheduling among other things. I wish both of us were more in a position to already live together.

Despite I made up with him, I still decided to not talk to him for about two weeks. I have what feels like an addiction to talk to him, which takes me away from working on what I need to. Today is the first day and I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to text him! I think the only time I didn’t want to contact him was when I actually working on stuff (and by “stuff”, I mean working on Kelly’s Journey episode 20)! I think I need him for the mundane times, haha.

So, with April forthcoming, what do I plan on doing?

First, I plan on dropping – yes, dropping – Camp NaNoWriMo (as well as NaNoWriMo itself in November) from my plans. I personally cannot handle a novella attempt at this current point in time. I don’t feel like I have any stories that are developed enough, and if they are close to being developed enough, I currently don’t feel like taking the time to develop them. I also would have to put my website and/or Kelly’s Journey on hold for the entire month, which are two things I feel like I cannot do at this point, because I can’t handle more than two personal goals at a time (believe me, I’ve tried).

Second, my “taking a week break/two week break” thing will be gone, as will my “taking a day off when I have a day off from work” thing unless I feel like I need it. I am doing this primarily because I am much more behind on schedule than I want to be. I just hope I don’t slip into laziness mode, which I’m sure I will. Because why would I not slip into that at some point (cue crying here).

I have a few minor considerations for the month, primarily making a schedule and attempting to have me get on a sleeping schedule that would work well for ALL my goals.

I can’t remember if it was earlier this month or last month, but I had been waking up at 9 AM, working until I had to go to work (usually around 3:30 PM), coming home, and working on more stuff until 2 AM, in which I went to bed and repeated the schedule, more or less, again. I found it to be a GREAT way to divide up the day (my job serves as a divider between my goals), so in the morning I could work one goal (KJ seemed to be the better one for this early day one) and at night I could work on another (my website). Of course, I semi-forced myself out of it and now I wish I was still on it. I think I might try it again…

For making a schedule, I want to attempt to throw some…relaxation time in between everything. I also want motivation to actually get up and work on stuff. I was/am considering trying time blocking (this particular Tofugu article has kept popping up in my head as of late; I might not be using it for Japanese, but the information is still useful). I want to see just how much I can fit in for a day.

I’m guessing for the time blocking, I’m going to have to take in consideration what I will be doing for each day and will be making the schedule the night before, maybe an hour before going to sleep? I don’t know.

I guess for the consideration thing, if I know I want to fit in Kelly’s Journey, Commissions, and my website all in to my day, plus having work, and wanting sometime to catch up on two TV shows, I will have to think about the amount of time I want to spend on them or I will spend on them. If I am working on shading on my commissions and have three commissions, I will try spending 3 hours working on that, 2 hours for KJ if it’s an earlier episode rewrite or 3 hours if it’s a new episode (I noticed today it took me about two hours to get through two minutes of an episode…oh boy), go to work, work on my website for about 2 hours, spend a half hour making my schedule, then two hours watching a TV show…or something. I don’t know. I would actually have to do it to try it.

It’s just SO much easier when I set days aside to do all the relaxing stuff.

Where’s my assistant? He could be helping me.

Argh.

Stuff.

And things.

I don’t know.

You know, I’m kind of getting annoyed at myself right now because I’m considering not working on Kelly’s Journey right now and just going to bed, especially since I have work at 3 today, but NO. NO! I AM GOING TO WORK ON THAT STORY, DANG IT.

I will work on my website tomorrow though. I was struggling a bit with making the layout and the function section is long. At least I have Monday off, so I can take my time when working on that. For right now though, I will be writing the journey of Kelly~~~!!!!!!

…well, not right now.

I’m going to go and edit this journal entry.

By the way, my lovely assistant who I and the internet call Hurricane, if you are reading this, I love you and if you want to make a comment, you can. I just won’t reply until after the two weeks because THAT’S contacting.

(Why did I say two weeks, aaaah *cries*)