[RAMBLES] I Like Making Excuses, But I Need to Stop

Note: I didn’t edit this post. I’m way too tired to do that and my hands are numb. I apologize for mistakes made throughout this post. Hopefully there aren’t too many.

For the past week or so, I haven’t really felt like working on anything. I feel like I’m in some type of relaxing, resting state with a lack of determination and motivation to work on anything. Working on Kelly’s Journey currently feels unappealing and working on my website just makes me groan, thinking about how I need to set up my laptop beside me all because the tutorial I’m using decided it’s a fantastic idea to hide most of the HTML code unless you put your cursor over it. Drawing, including doodling feels like too much of a hassle, to the point I can’t even bring myself to work on commissions. I don’t like this, personally. If I could, I would be alternating between Kelly’s Journey and my website every other day and work on the commissions everyday.

Despite that I don’t feel like working on anything that is important for me right now, I noticed something: I keep feeling like I need to sew or, at least, do some type of hands on project. I began doing a small one of decorating some mason jars with washi tape (hopefully more on that later, but I doubt it), which felt like a relief.

All of this makes me confused, made even more confusing by that gray, but prominent feeling that I have something to do or something I should be doing, rather than lazying about, watching YouTube videos and reading manga. I guess something in me knows I want to do something that feels productive with my time, but what? Every thing I know I should be working on, I don’t want to do right now and every thing I feel like, you know, I might actually want to do, I’m too lazy to get started.

To elaborate…

Kelly’s Journey

I finished up episode 20 and am currently rewriting episode 2. I just feel no motivation to continue with episode 2. Maybe it’s because a certain someone (you know who you are) said that episode 2 was fine as it was and that was a notion I agreed with. Episode 2 of Kelly’s Journey isn’t actually that bad – I’m better off simply just editing the original version of the episode, sharpening and fluffing it out in. I think part of the reason why episode 2 isn’t that bad is probably because it’s actually already a rewrite. I didn’t like how the original version of Kelly’s Journey episode 2 was written, so I rewrote it to something more satisfying.

I think I forget too that I don’t necessarily have to rewrite all the episodes. I just need to rewrite the ones that make me cringe on nearly every sentence. It was episode 3 of Kelly’s Journey that made me want to do the rewrite, after all. I think episode 1’s rewrite was justified simply because I wanted a more elaborated version of the first episode and to expand more on what I know about Kelly’s character.

Part of the inspiration for the rewrites too was my sudden understanding of how to write Kelly’s character. I’m hoping I can fit that into the rewrites. Yet again, I probably don’t have to do that too much in the early episodes – Kelly is in a group of new friends, after all. Her spoiled, hot-headed brattiness probably wouldn’t show right away, or at least, not as much.

Perhaps the key for myself finishing episode 2 is to scrap the rewrite and, instead, just edit episode 2. Elaborate where I feel like it is needed. At descriptions in places where I think it could go. Fine tune character lines. Everything and anything I feel could use a tiny bit of improvement.

Remember, myself, I only need to rewrite the ones that are weaker in storytelling and only edit the ones where I could make a bit of improvements to the story, if any at all. Well, improvements or fixes to make things more consistent, if needed.

Website

I’m slowly working on coming up with a layout for this particular website. The tutorial I’m currently using is helpful, but has this one fatal flaw (at least, one fatal flaw I can see right now): how it displays the code you need to type. Technically the site wants you to just copy and paste the code, but I want to copy it to get a better idea of what needs to be put into a WordPress layout.

This is a pain for me, however, since the website displays the code in these tiny frames. The only way you’re going to see the entire code is by scrolling over or putting your cursor of it. For the shorter and slightly overflowing codes, this is okay. However, when you have them long enough to reach halfway across a screen, this is not okay. Even worse, the second I take my cursor off the box, the code hides itself again. Ugh.

I decided to try and “solve” this problem by using my laptop as a second screen. While this works decently, I have no room on my desk to display it comfortably while I code. I usually end up doing no more than one lesson because of this.

I know, this is just me being nitpicky. Maybe I should just display the laptop to my right, rather than my left, but then I will have to move my tablet out of the way…

I’m just being lazy, now aren’t I. I’m just making up excuses. I need to let them go and just DO IT.

Drawing

I actually decided this year that I was taking a break from artwork, other than commissions. If I felt like doodling, that was fine, but artwork just isn’t a priority for me. This does get me a bit down since I have a bunch of artwork I would still like to finish, but that’s alright. It can all wait. I’m hoping I can pull through and only do the Kelly’s Journey ones for this year at some point. I think those are the ones people usually care for anyway.

I’m currently not in a doodling mood, which kind of sucks. I wanted to see if I could come with Chris Knightly’s design (one of the main characters from my book, Love Me Softly), since I started to actually get a good idea for him. I also want to doodle some clothing designs, including my “English Dress” jacket and my modern day dress thing I want to make for a parapara video I probably will never get to. Of course, I can’t do any of those right now though without flaring up in some sort of anger. I’m not quite sure what the source of that anger is, but I do know that drawing right now, when I don’t feel like it, causes it.

Commissions seem to be the only thing I have permission to draw from my brain, presumably because I’m being compensated for it, unlike with the artwork I do for “fun” or requests. Right now though, I don’t even feel like working on those. I’m sure a part of it is that the two I currently have involve detailed backgrounds (I might have to up the price…). The other part is my sudden lack of motivation to do anything.

Sewing

Do you know what? I actually want to sew. Perhaps not full projects right now, but I want to sew mock ups of potential future projects. If do the mock ups now and create patterns from them, I can always sew the actual pieces of clothing later, right? Yeah, I think so. It would be a GREAT side project for myself. I hope so, at least.

So, why don’t I want to sew?

Actually…um…

I guess backing up a bit to what I don’t want to sew is more bags. I still have bags from Christmas I need to sew, but I don’t feel like doing that. I’m sick of sewing bags. I have a pillow too to sew for a work friend, but I’m still too lazy to do all those. I guess you could say I’m sick of sewing drawstring bags? I guess if I was to do them in a slightly different style (like this kind of drawstring bag instead of these ones), it would be okay, but…nah, not right now. I want to sew a little bag for work too, but again, I’m sick of drawing bags (plus, I want to think up a good design for it first).

I also want to sew something that I can WEAR, which is probably my big thing! I haven’t sewn something I could potentially wear since 2012 (and even then, I messed up on that and scrapped the project) and I’m tired of it. I want some clothes to wear that I made myself, dang it! Some of the trouble with this is that I’m picky and my gender like to rear the ugly side of itself.

I want to sew clothes for my girl side, who is stubborn about clothes. I’m trying to come up with some modern wear that would look good, but I keep feeling a rejection to them. I don’t want to wear modern wear – I want something 18th century-y. Or 19th century-y. Or something that isn’t modern or isn’t past 1900. However, I need to sew the undergarments for those beautiful historical clothes first before I actually sew the main outfits. Which I keep delaying because I need to make a shift/chemise first and my brain keeps hitting a wall, like “you don’t know how to make a shift”, ignoring that shifts look like the easiest garment to construct.

I also want something my girl side would wear for videos, specifically parapara ones, as well as outings with friends who probably wouldn’t be as comfortable with the centuries-old taste of mine. Really though, they would be for parapara videos because I think it would be a bit silly seeing somebody dressed up in an 18th century robe a la polonaise while dancing to “Night of Fire”…

I guess another issue too that I’m not a girl most of the time – I usually identify as a guy or neutral. Usually neutral-leaning-towards-guy. Yet, I always push myself to come up with clothes for my girl side. I feel like men’s clothes are boring…but…now that I think about it, I could probably come up with some really awesome stuff. I should just make something with a bunch of zipper everywhere. You can’t really go too wrong with zippers, in my opinion.

I suppose when I go to think about what I want to sew, I should first focus on what is prominent for myself (my guy side), THEN think about the less prominent parts of myself (my girl side; modern clothes). I should also listen to my tastes and see if there’s anything I can take from it.

(Okay, go figure: as I was typing this, I began to see an outfit in my head, so I doodled it. Just hoping now I can get the courage to make it.)

The other thing is…all my fabric, plus my dress form is in the basement. I feel like if I haul all that up here into my room, I’m going to suddenly get too lazy to sew anything. I hate that kind of feeling.

Jars & Hands On Projects

A few days ago, I decided that if I wanted to start REALLY saving money, I had to make an actual effort to do so. I thought a great way to start that effort would be by saving up money…as cash. I’m not a huge fan of cash, so I’m less likely to use it. Since I’m less likely to use cash, I’m less likely to touch where I store it.

I need a place to store the cash, as well as divide it into different categories (I decided on three: groceries, business, and everything else), so I settled on decorating mason jars. To decorate them, I used washi tape (which is honestly just masking tape with patterns on them and in a variety of colours and sizes). Washi tape seems to be a newer craze in the craft world that I found out about via Pinterest, I believe (surprise, surprise…not). I thought it seemed kind of cool (washi tape being associated with Japan made it twice as cool to me), so I decided that I wanted to do a washi tape project one day. And what better project than to decorate jars with it?!

It was fairly easy to do and a lot of fun – I took some pictures too, in hopes of creating a tiny tutorial for it one of these days.

More importantly, doing the project made me feel like I was breathing again. For just a bit, I felt like I was alive.

Thinking back to this, as well as that little voice in my head going “sew, sew, sew mock ups”, I am coming to the conclusion I need to work on some hands-on projects, ones off the computer. I’m not quite sure what all those projects will be. All I know is, for right now, I need them.

That’s not to say my computer projects are bad (they’re not! They sometimes make me feel super alive too), but I think right now, I just need something away from it. Something that requires me to use my hands in a different kind of way.

Maybe I can finally get around to that Kelly figure I wanted to try sculpting?! Maybe?! No? No…okay…

I’ll have to put aside some time to think of what kind of hands-on projects I want to do for the rest of this month.

I guess it kind of makes sense I want to do something different. I did originally want to do Camp NaNoWriMo, after all.

I hope I can chose a few projects that satisfy my desire for hands-on involvement and get back to my goals!

Hopes

I hope I will be able to shift my focus to hands on projects for the rest of this month (maybe a bit into May as well). Whether they’re small, quick projects, or ones that are going to take me a few hours or days, I will happily take them on as a break. I would like to sew primarily, but other projects are welcome as well.

Potential projects include sewing clothes, sewing a variety of bags (non-drawstring), sculpting, washi tape decorating of items (like a cellphone case), and styling a wig.

I hope that after a few projects (perhaps between 2 to 5 projects), my brain and body will be refreshed and ready to get back to my goals of this year: completing my website and writing Kelly’s Journey.

I hope to get back to commissions right away and complete my current set, so I can move onto the next. I’m sure it will be quick, though, those tend to be famous last words.

I hope the remainder of the website, including this blog, goes smoothly or almost smoothly. I would love to see my website up and running almost as it should be. (The step after that would be to convert most of the artwork into photos instead for a larger audience! But that won’t be for a while.)

I hope I get back to Kelly’s Journey and start spitting out chapters like I have been hoping to. I just need to finish episode 2’s rewrite (or rather, I should scrap the rewrite and just do an edit).

I hope the second my mind is cleared, I become super happy and motivated to work on my goals, as well as commissions, and create one of those lists I like to have displayed on my desk that shows what my goals are and the steps to take to complete them.

End

Well, I guess that’s all for this post. I’m tired, have work in a few hours, and my hands are getting numb. Good night. I kind of feel like crying, which is slightly annoying. Okay, good night!