[PERSONAL | MY DAY] Did 2018 Actually Exist?

I’m sitting here in 2019, wondering if 2018 even existed? It’s like I carried over nothing except some depression management/healing techniques and a rearrangement of life goals with me. I intended to write this summary before the new year, but I just didn’t have it in me. It’s even harder to write this summary, because unlike 2017 which held onto me for a while, 2018 dropped me of at 2019’s station and just sped off. It didn’t even say “see ya”!

Additionally, it’s difficult to write what went on in 2018 because a lot of it I either 1.) don’t want to share publicly (it’s a part of my healing journey) or 2.) it was something that happened to someone else and while it may have affected me, it’s not my story to tell. Since this is the case, I’m just going to bullet point some of the more notable parts of 2018.

Before I Begin

Before I begin, I kind of just want to take a moment to explain how my spirituality (or religion, depending on your viewpoint) affects me, not just in belief, but also experience.

I have, for as long as I can remember, experienced what my mom likes to call “downloads” where from divinity comes directions or messages of some sort. Sometimes these are things I hear in my head as voices that aren’t my own, while other times they are simply me knowing things or a certain type of feeling that combines with knowing. (I feel so weird talking about “feelings” because it’s so easy to dismiss them, but I’ve learned over the years how to tell the difference between feeling and feeling.) (This is different from predictive thinking, which I’m also pretty good at too! Yay for skills!!!)

My skills in this category have gotten sharper since living with my mother and while I’m now at my father’s (which I’ll talk about a bit more in a bit), this skill has still been the most helpful.

I’ve never been one to be mostly or all logic. I find, repeatedly, that running purely on logic generally does not work for myself. It’s following the directions I receive in these “downloads” that do. By following the directions I receive, life moves much easier than trying to force things that I’m already aware I shouldn’t be.

That being said, I am SUPER thankful to even have this skill, this ability. However, it has been the source of frustrations in the past and often times makes me feel confused and alienated, especially when everyone around me insists on one way of doing things (“it’s life! that’s how it is!”) and that it’s the only way to go, even though I am already aware of otherwise for me. It’s great when the results are seen shortly after because it proves what I already knew, but it’s more difficult when the results won’t be seen for a long while.

Fantastic, now that you know that, let’s continue.

Leading Up to 2018

You know, I had to touch upon the ramble for the review of 2017. I literally couldn’t remember where I left off, leading into 2018. Unfortunately, that ramble wasn’t really helpful either.

So, as far as I am concerned, 2017 ended with me being like “eeeeh, I’m holding off on all projects” and January 2018 followed that, for the most part

Some of the Things of 2018

  • The first thing I remember is at the end of January, my car started to randomly shut down on me, which was frustrating since back in September 2017, it had a wire issue that prevented it from working, so having another issue less than half a year later was annoying;
  • With my car issues, I was extra hesitant about going ANYWHERE. Eventually, I had a handful of choices to make: do I go see my mother-in-law and my dad? Or do I go see my online friend from the UK who is visiting NYC? Do I go make food with a co-worker? Or do I go to a get-together one of my friends was so insistent on Hurricane and me going to with her?
  • I got the sense I needed to go see my mother-in-law and my dad, so I had to choose that over going to see my friend from the UK;
  • I tried to reject my friend’s insistence on me going to the get-together, but I heard “you can go” in my head. The day I was going, I also planned to make food with a co-worker, but my car died AGAIN. I freaked out and stressed a bit, but I heard reassurance once again in my head — I was going to this get-together. (Which I went to and my car worked flawlessly);
  • After thinking about it for a long time, I sold my car. I couldn’t actually afford the maintenance my car needed (my car was all paid off), so my mother would have to pay, AGAIN, and that just wasn’t right. I acknowledged that it wasn’t a necessity since there was a bus stop right across the street and work was on the same route, right up the road. I discussed this with my mom and she approved of this because I was making the decision for the right reasons;
  • I sold my car within 3 days of making the decision to the mechanic at the dealership;
  • Most of my money went towards my debt, cutting it into about half;
  • I can’t get into details, but Hurricane went back to his parents on April 1st (much to his dismay; don’t worry, we are good, as you’ll see a bit later);
  • I started to experience the third cycle of some weird depression issue I had for a long time and was VERY surprised I had it, considering I skipped over the first part with my current job. This resulted in breaking down and crying a lot at work and eventually cutting back my hours to 3 days a week;
  • I started to journal, but found it difficult until the end of June, where I got the direction “grab one of your blank notebooks from your file cabinet and journal in there” and then suddenly, I was journalling most days. I used this during my healing process;
  • Around that time that I started to truly journal, I noticed my mother and I — who are usually in sync with each other with the messages we get and on a similar pathway — were becoming less synchronized. This wasn’t anything bad; we were just in different places! We had maybe a week or two where we were in sync again, but that was about it. We needed to be elsewhere;
  • Between wanting more money and knowing I needed to grow more as a person, I made the decision to move in with my dad and study front-end web development (to start). After calling my dad to make this happen, I started feeling tree roots growing out from me…a first in my life;
  • I transferred to the WG up near my dad. I moved up to my dad’s in about two weeks from the call I made. I cried a bit for numerous reasons, but I KNEW this was the best decision;
  • For the first time since 2014, I have a room I actually feel like is MY room. Although it’s not perfect, it’s pretty dang perfect for my usage!!!
  • At the new WG, somehow, I got this idea in my head of working overnight full-time. I thought this was stupid to even think about for two reasons: 1.) I worked overnights back in 2011 and HATED it and 2.) the overnight was filled. Go figure, about a month later, TWO spots on the overnight opened up and the store manager OFFERED IT TO ME!! I ended up working OVERNIGHT FULL TIME. I still work overnight full time. I STILL LOVE IT!
  • Working overnight full-time allowed me to up how much money I put towards my debt and I’ve been able to consistently put more money at it;
  • Hurricane and I spent A LOT of time together since moving into my dad’s (since his parents are kind of close to my dad’s place). We do videos on his YouTube channel pretty frequently, if you’re interested;
  • I felt that since moving in with my dad, a lot of the techniques and stuff that helped me at my mom’s kind of went into hiding, but I’ve been gradually bringing them back out and they’ve been a huge help;
  • Yes, I’m still studying front-end web development;

And yeah, that’s 2018 for me.

I literally feel like moving in with my dad was a turning point for me and it made everything prior to it seem almost non-existent, like it didn’t matter. I mean, of course it mattered, but like…I don’t know. It was very much a transitional moment.

Oh yeah, funnily enough, my younger sister moved in with my mom a few months later. So, this worked out.

Well, okay, so my hubby wanted me to move up into the same state as him earlier when he went back to his parents and I said no. Then, my mom had mentioned me moving into dad’s and I rejected it again. And then my younger sister, who really wanted to go back to the state we’re from and my mom lives in, suggested it too, and I said no. It wasn’t until I realized I wanted more money and wanted a more supportive environment for earthly endeavors like jobs, saving money, and getting my own work done that I moved into my dad’s. I’m glad it worked out.

Lessons of 2018

The biggest lesson I learned from living with my mom is to honour what I know that I know that I know. Even if it looks highly unlikely or even impossible, honour it. (Of course, this is after poking around to make sure that I’m actually receiving a download and it’s not my mind tricking me.)

I learned too some pretty cool stuff that has helped me with depression and anxiety throughout the year and have found that there is a significant difference between me doing these things and not doing these things. When I moved in with my dad, I pretty much halted everything and have found myself struggle a lot more, but since gradually reintegrating them, I’ve been increasingly more stable.

Overall

Um…2018 was there. And it went. My mind was resistant to revisiting it because I have moved on.

I’m in 2019.

Where am I heading to now?

Recommended Posts

Check out posts about previous years to see how far I’ve come:
[PERSONAL | MY DAY] 2017 in Review
[PERSONAL | RAMBLES] Good-Bye, 2016!
[PERSONAL | RAMBLES] See ya, 2015. Good Riddens!
[RAMBLES | YEAR OVERVIEW] Good-bye, 2014! It’s been a pretty good year!
[RAMBLES/YEAR OVERVIEW] Good-Bye, 2013!
2012 in Review
Good-bye 2011, Hello 2012!

Check out posts from 2018:
[PERSONAL | RAMBLES] Updates ARE Coming
[CREATIVE WORKS | UPDATES] Bite-Sized Update – Creative Works Version – #3
[CREATIVE WORKS | UPDATES] Project Schedule (Kind Of)
[PERSONAL | BUSINESS] 2018 Goals A.K.A. What I Am Doing in 2018
[BUSINESS | WEBSITE] Online Shop in Maintenance Mode
[CREATIVE WORKS | UPDATES] Creative Works Update – #4
[CREATIVE WORKS | UPDATES] Creative Works Update – #5