[PERSONAL | MY DAY] Daily Update…I don’t know, over the past week or so.

Warning: I most likely will not be editing these posts, so please forgive any mistakes I make.

I should really start calling these “Weekly Updates,” huh? That’s what they are at this point, after all. I realized I didn’t really have much to say every single day for the most part, but I definitely had something after ever couple of days.

I want you guys to brace yourselves, because I’m sure some of you are bound to be disappointed in me! I’m going to explain the decisions I made as well, if I find it necessary. So please read the entry through until the very end and make sure that you read everything correctly! Thank you!

Relevant Things:
– I quit Walmart
– I got interviewed by Subway
– Subway wanted to hire me, but I told them I had to think about it
– I got interviewed by Staples and they told me they just needed to do a background check
– I’m currently looking for housing and am aiming to be back in my previous state by the end of September!

Okay, I know some people, especially family will be worried about me, but I want to assure you these weren’t brash decisions — not only were these carefully thought about, but they were things that should have happened in the beginning of the year.

I’m just going to start with Walmart. I’ve pretty much been on a steady decline with Walmart since the beginning of this year. I woke up in January, as if I had been punched in the face, and realized that the track I was trying to go down was NOT where I wanted or am suppose to end up. It was a way to please everybody else. This threw me for a whirlwind, in the middle of everything else that was going and didn’t really let up. I stepped down from my CSM (customer service manager) position to become a sales floor associate. I still struggled, but I stayed with Walmart…I needed money, right? I have bills to pay, so I still need the money.

My health hasn’t been well since the beginning of this year. I’ve had the worst anxiety I have ever had so far in my life, depression that was so bad that I was scared of myself, I felt like I was just lingering and living dead. I developed stress headaches, which made me feel like my brain was being squeezed, and aspirin did absolutely nothing because the headaches were from stress. I was drained of my energy nearly ever single day, which I haven’t had since 2012 when I reached high points of depression.

When I transferred to a new Walmart, I was excited and optimistic, hoping that moving in with my dad and having a kind-of new workplace would finally help me get back on track.

It didn’t.

My tiredness worsened; I was pretty much able to wake up and go to sleep right away, each time I woke up. My stress headaches also struck me just as bad, if not worse. In fact, I had one stress headache that lasted five days. For the first three days or so, I couldn’t do anything that involved actively using my brain, such as reading or brainstorming, it hurt so bad! I was also getting anxiety super bad again.

The Walmart I got transferred to absolutely didn’t help. I really didn’t like the supervisor in charge of the front end, who I felt was far too rude and impatient. The store barely had any help in it (which isn’t unusual for a Walmart). The CSMs were expected to hop on a register and/or the service desk during high traffic times, while leaving the front end unmanned. They claimed you could “multitask”, which meant that you would have to stop your line to go get change for a cashier across the room. I personally thought that was horrifying. While they did warn me in the beginning I wouldn’t get many hours, I wasn’t really sure what they meant…but I quickly found out that despite getting a higher pay than when I was on the salesfloor, the shorter hours resulted in me losing about $200 in my paycheck (make that $400 if you want to include my pay raise plus the previous hours I had).

I wasn’t making enough money to pay for a month’s worth of food. I could probably get by with gas, but not food. The rest had to go to bills. Even then, I was lucky if I could squeeze by on it.

I honestly had enough of it. I kept calling out sick, I hated the Walmart I was now at, and I’m just…tired. Like, not this casual tiredness, but this ongoing tiredness that probably stems from depression. I really needed to do something about it staying somewhere that I already know I overstayed my stay at wasn’t going to do anything for me. In fact, as far as I could tell, it was going to make things worse and probably wouldn’t get better.

So, I devised a little plan that pretty much consisted of some micro-jobs to bring in some “padding” money as I’m going to call it (mean it’s to help prevent me from having to spend too much from my savings while I don’t have a steady income) and applying to places. I was originally going to follow the most common advice of “don’t quit until you get another job”, but I already knew forever ago that doesn’t work for me. I can’t really explain it, but it just doesn’t. I understand that I’m theoretically more hire-able with a job already, but that just doesn’t work for me personally. I guess it’s kind of like I want to be able to give my job search a heavy focus with a clean slate?

At first, I’ll admit I did feel a bit scared and weird about it, but I do believe overall, it is for the best. I don’t think I did the timing just right, so there will probably be a bit of a struggle for some time, but I have confidence that I’m going to be perfectly fine!!

I think I was mostly afraid to tell people because they probably would want to lecture me…but I had to do what was best for me, dang it! That meant getting out of the Walmart environment and actually doing something I should have been doing all along…creating.

But before I get into that, I guess I should talk a bit about jobs, yes? Well, I got calls pretty much right away. I knew this was going to happen. Between my experience and the time of year, I knew I was going to get calls. I ended up going to a total of 3 interviews — Village Silversmith, Subway, and Staples. I didn’t make the first one, but the last two I did. I nearly accepted Subway, but I could feel a knife slicing itself through my stomach with that and I honestly had my heart set on Staples…who sounds like they want me! They just need to do my background check! Whoopie!!

I’m so sick of where I’m living now and I really hope I can move back down to my old state because I miss it SO much!

Okay, let me talk about what I should have been doing all along: Creating!

The Importance of Creating (to Me)

I realized, like, maybe three or four years ago, that if I am not creating something/working on a creative work, I become depressed. The longer I stay away from creating, the more depressed I become. If I work on a creative piece for a long time and take a break from a few days or even a few weeks, I’ll be fine. However, once those few days or few works turns into a few months…forget it. I’m going to be sinking to the bottom of the sea.

I had a struggle to maintain my creativity in 2014, but managed to do so regardless how hard it got. However, at the beginning of this year, nearly disappeared from me. My brain kept telling me I wasn’t allowed to do anything creative and I absolutely had to focus on my housing situation. Even a fun, creative thought was met with a heavy feeling of guilt. Just to amplify that feeling, I had people who echoed what my brain kept telling me…even though I knew at the very core of it, I wouldn’t have gone so crazy if I just continued to do creative works.

There was a brief point where I had regained my sanity and realized that the most realistic thing for me to do in the situation I was in was actually just to focus on creating things. Work on my projects. It probably seems counterproductive from the outside, but from the inside, it just makes SO much sense! I’m not in a stable place, so I anything I try to do will be met with resistance and bad decisions. Creating/being creative/working on my projects balance me, ground me, and lift me up. I know that probably sounds really silly, but that’s what happens!

I can’t tell you how many times somebody thought I was happy because I was in love, only to have me laugh and go “no, it’s because I was working on a project” because that’s EXACTLY what happened! I wasn’t happy because of being in love with someone; I was happy probably because of the love I have and receive from creating things, even if the love is only between myself and the creation.

My projects are so important to me. Some people might think that I place too much importance on them, but I do so for a reason. They’re what keeps me happy and keeps me going! I know each time I feel the need to give up on them because a circumstance in my life makes me feel that way, I end up losing all will to live! I often feel at peace working on them.

I already know that getting back to my creative projects is crucial to get out of this awful depression slump I’ve been in, which so far this week, I have. I know the circumstances around me can contribute to the depression, but I can easily overcome it…I just need to be creative! I need to create! I need to work on my projects!

I know some people might want to try and correct me and be like “you WANT to work on your projects/you WANT to create”…but no. They are needs. If my mental stability relies on myself being creative, then I need to do that. If someone’s health (regardless if it’s physical/mental/emotional health) relies on something, then it’s a need, not a want. That’s just my opinion though…

I do genuinely wonder what would have happened if I managed to maintain my creative projects in the early portion of the year. I think I would have been able to make much clearer decisions and not hit so many walls, but that could just be me.

These Past Few Days

Hurricane is currently visiting family a few states away and I have the honour of house sitting for my mother, which is wonderful because it gets me out of my dad’s house that I really don’t want to be at.

Even though I can’t really do any digital colouring here (I didn’t bring my tablet), I think that’s okay. I feel that as long as I can draw and tell stories, I will be okay.

So far, this week actually has felt pretty good. I did reach a slump for the past day and a half, where I acknowledged that I hadn’t done anything creative for about two days and I hadn’t touched the manga series I was reading for about that same time. I could already feel that this was a huge problem for me, since I’m still in a “red zone” (meaning I will become lazy and depressed if I don’t keep creating). I made sure today to create.

I continued reading the manga series, Bakuman。and very quickly felt the urge to at least doodle.

Bakuman。is a series about these two middle school/high school/college students (the series expands across these) who end up aiming to become professional manga artist. I’ve read a couple volumes before and I decided that right now was a great time to reread them, especially since I’m trying to do a bunch of comics on my own. I always find that reading a manga about making manga inspires me to draw my own. I don’t usually follow through on that, but this is different…I already have comics I started working on.

Today, I did a couple of doodles, mostly of poses that popped up in my head and characters I’ve created for convention prints (I’m crazy and don’t really want to use the ones I already have made, for the most part…for now). I also managed to do one serious drawing. You can tell it’s serious because I did it in different colours, as oppose to my sketch doodles, which don’t have the different colours to the lines.

A photo posted by TrainerKelly (@trainer_kelly) on

As I was switching between drawing and reading Bakuman, I kind of became…nostalgic in way. Kind of. I mostly was brought back to a time where I pretty much just sat around and read manga all day or made pictures. I really want to lean towards middle school or early high school for that. It was before all these silly stresses of adult life started creeping up on me.

It felt WONDERFUL.

It honestly makes me wish, and I suppose to an extent, hope, that I could end up just creating for a living so when I have some down time, I can spend time with my fuel of inspiration: manga.

I’ve pretty much decided that while I’m over here, I’m going to create and focus on my projects that don’t necessarily require me to have my computer in the early stages. I feel that’s for the best, especially since I need to heal and I’m determined to move back to my old state by the end of September!

Moving Back

I actually have been looking for places to live, but due to my mind feeling too disconnected, nearly all the attempts have been like walking into a wall as if a door would suddenly appear. I’m not really sure if I should just wait until I start at Staples to judge how much I can afford or not.

Even though Hurricane will be joining me, I’m expecting him to get less hours than me, so I need to take into account that he may not be able to go 50/50 with me on payments. It’s a lot to take in, but that’s okay.

I do feel though that in order to be prepared for this, I really need to be in my best state. Everything will go a lot smoother if I am…so that will be my focus.

A lot of people don’t realize this, but despite that I live so much in a “fantasy” world, I can snap back to this “reality” when I need to.

If I end up not doing that, I’m either super tired or sick.

Okay, that’s it for now. Good night!