She. Her. Hers. Girl. Woman. Daughter. Sister.
Do you know what all of those have in common?
They are all insults to me.
They erase my very existence.
I am gender fluid, but even my girl side doesn’t like those words to be used. Not to mention, that side isn’t out much.
My preferred (which you really should read as “proper“) pronouns would be the masculine “he”/”his”/”he’s” OR, better yet (even more correct) would be gender neutral pronouns – the most familiar being they/their/theirs (which, believe it or not, can be used a singular pronoun).
I’ve been having quite a bit of self hate lately and hearing people incorrectly refer to me, particularly people who are already aware of my identity, isn’t helping me at all. It’s like being told I don’t exist.
I obviously do exist.
I know who I am. I know what I am.
It’s just frustrating to hear people incorrectly refer to me. It’s hard for cisgendered people to understand, I know, but the least you could do is be respectful to me. I’m not telling you what your gender is, so don’t tell me mine.
“But Kelly, it’s easy to forget/due to habits”. Before I realized I was transgender, I knew of other trans*. After 5 or 6 times of catching myself using the wrong pronoun, I got into the habit of using the correct one, never falling out of it. It became strange to use the wrong one. Seriously guys, it’s not that hard. I can understand slipping on using words like “daughter” and “sister” and such, but the pronouns – those are used so often, you can EASILY make a habit out of it. Try putting yourself in my head and how it would feel to be referred to incorrectly.
As I sit here, I’m cursing myself out in the back of my mind – for my rolls of fat, for the breast I need to get rid of, for my high, pitch changing voice, for my curvy, soft feminine body, the fact society won’t identify me as a guy, the promise I made to myself as a child to never get any sort of surgery, and my egotistical girl side who rarely comes out, but is preventing me from even touching hormones. I’ve stopped associating being a girl with having boobs and vaginas and being a guy with having a flat chest and a penis (I preferably call them “vagina owners” and “penis owners”); unfortunately, most people have yet to do that too.
I am gender fluid, going from a feminine guy side to an egotistical girl side, with something that identifies with neither in between sometimes. It’s like water swishing back and forth, constantly changing, like a mood. I’m usually a feminine guy or neutral.
Can I also point out my sexuality and romanticality (just made that up – meaning one’s romantic preference) has absolutely nothing to do with me being transgender? People always try to connect them, but no, they have nothing to do with each other. Stop trying to connect them.
If people are going to erase my identity, perhaps I should just start erasing theirs. I mentally don’t categorize cisgendered people as being cis, so perhaps I should start reflecting that out loud.
Sometimes I wonder if cisgendered people are the confused ones, not the transgenders.
If you want (well, you SHOULD) to know more about transgenders and gender pronouns, check out the following:
– Trans Etiquette 101
– Not Your Mom’s Trans 101
– Why Misgendering is Bad
– Pronouns Guide