I’m old.

Next week, on Sunday, will be my 21st birthday. It’s strange for me to think about – I don’t usually even identify with being 20, let alone 21. Yet, my 21st birthday is coming. My mom already says I’m 21. I’m pretty sure other people in my family refer to me as 21. I know last year my grandmother had to check with me if I was turning 20 or 21.

As this day approaches, life itself rears its ugly head, teasing me with memories of the past and reminding me that, hey, I’m getting older.

I left behind those giant childhood parties of the past where I would decide that my grandparent’s house was the best place to host the party since it was nice and big, with my grandfather so kindly spray painting scenery onto a tarp so people could take pictures in front of it. I don’t really even remember them much, other than it was snowing on the day of my luau party. They were good for childhood.

Obviously, as I got older, my parties started to become non-existent, which was fine. I’d slowly have just a handful of good friends over and we’d have cake and whatnot. It was nice.

The best was last year, with Ryan and Tom. I’m actually surprised I didn’t write about it on my blog. To be honest, I don’t even remember much of it, other than we all completely skipped singing happy birthday to me and it was just like a regular old hang out. It honestly was possibly one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time. And how could it not? I was hanging out with the two friends who I could sit with and talk for hours upon hours about nothing in particular. Two friends who didn’t regularly annoy me. The kind of friends I wanted to stay over a few days.

Last year was probably my last “party” though. This year I feel like I barely have any friends who live close to me. Or at least 35 minutes or less away from me. The friend I hang out with frequently lives an 1 hour and a half away from me. The ones who live closest I haven’t seen in a while.

I know, I know. It’s life. As you get older, people change, people go, people come.

To be honest, I don’t know why this is suppose to be refreshing to hear. Or why I can’t complain about how these people who I felt close with, suddenly everything with them just fell through and I feel like I lack closure of some sort.