[Doodles/Rant] Onlyinadreamshipping Doodles

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and at some point I brought up how I abandon a lot of my favourite pairings, usually because I end up feeling like I just want them to be friends. I also noted that my favourite pairings are the ones that aren’t going to happen. I’m not usually a fan of pairings that do actually happen, not even with my own original stories.

That being said, they responded that they noticed that and commented something about Kelly (something about changing). I was presuming that since they put the name in the third person, they were referring to my fan character named after me and not myself. I was a bit perplexed by the statement.

I wasn’t entirely sure what they were referring to, but I decided not to press any further questions. Where they referring to Onlyinadreamshipping, the pairing of Kelly and Ash? Or something else about the way Kelly’s character is being portrayed? Or did they end up accidentally calling me my name?

I think it’s actually pretty easy to forget my favourite pairing of all time is Kelly/Ash. It’s always there for me, even when some other pairing temporarily takes the number one spot. I always fall back on it. However, I don’t broadcast that it’s my favourite pairing.

There’s a couple reasons for that:
1.) It’s a fan character/official character pairing – unless you’re in a group of open-minded or like-minded friends, you AND your character is going to be judged harshly, either vocally or silently, simply based on the fact you pair your character with an official character;

2.) It totally gives the wrong impression of Kelly’s Journey. When people see images of the Kelly/Ash pairing, they automatically think “oh, they must be a couple in Kelly’s Journey“. However, if you actually read Kelly’s Journey, you’d actually notice Kelly and Ash have no romantic interest in each other whatsoever.

Even though I do, I admit, have plans of having them get together (primarily an excuse so I can write a fanfiction featuring their kids, who I love to death) at some point (far into KJ, if I ever even get there in the first place), their relationship is actually generally far off from how I portray them in pictures and I’m aiming for it to be written in such a way where people almost forget that it’s there.

My drawings generally aren’t an indication to character personalities and whatnot. If you look at most of my images, Kelly looks like she’d be a sweet, happy-go-lucky nice girl. However, she’s really a spoiled, slightly sarcastic, snotty brat. Doesn’t smile that much unless it’s a smirk either.

I WILL admit to it being my favourite pairing, because I’m not overly afraid of that, even though I know I will be judged regardless.

Okay, so where was this going? Oh yeah.

After wondering if it was about Onlyinadreamshipping (and talking about Pokémon for hours), I started to get a bit into an Onlyinadreamshipping mood. I kind of wanted to doodle, but at the same as not wanting to. I was tired of artwork, as well as afraid of completely screwing up the drawing. I rambled this to another friend of mine who was just like “DRAW. DRAW. DRAW IIIIIIT”.

So I tried to.

And I ended up nearly crying because just some switch in me turned into sad-and-feel-bad mode. I put down the pencil, shoved the paper aside, and started typing a fanfiction of them until I was ready to fall asleep, which unfortunately, made me still feel off balance.

I did end up doodling more today though, in attempt to make me feel less sad and bad. Fortunately, it was a success. Despite how bad the doodles are, they are doodles. If I was doing them seriously, they would look a lot better. Well, at least the hands would look better and I would’ve tried harder with the proportions.

1.) Upper Left Hand Corner – Kelly poking Ash’s nose – this was the one I doodled yesterday that made me kind of snap…stopped it because I snapped and had no idea what the heck I was doing with Ash’s body

2.) Upper Right Hand Corner – Talking on a Balcony – Last picture I drew. I can’t draw hats. Um…Ash and Kelly were talking and Ash complimented Kelly that made her slightly stand up and blush. It actually was from me thinking about how sometimes the people who do like Onlyinadreamshipping as well can get on my nerves because our visions different.

For instance, let’s say there is a scene where Ash tells Kelly she’s beautiful.

Most of these fans would write it so Ash, in a very romantic way, tells Kelly she’s beautiful – probably that Kelly’s crying or he’d grab her cheek or bring her closer in or something.

My way would be that they would be somewhere, maybe outside on a balcony. Well, Ash would be. Then Kelly would come out, wearing something she wouldn’t normally wear (like a long, button up dress) and start complaining about how stupid she looks in it. Ash then would remark, in an honest, no romantic undertone, casual way, “I think you look pretty”, which would make Kelly blush (possibly take a step back and pull her front strands of hair as well).

3.) Bottom Left Hand Corner – Sleeping – ;D You can decide if they had sexy time or not. BUT GUYS. ASH’S POSE. IJUSTOMGHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. itssoashthough

4.) Bottom Right Hand Corner – Casual Conversation – Kelly and Ash just casually talking, while Kelly lays on his lap, dragging her finger under Ash’s chin. This is actually more or less how I think of their relationship as a couple, to be honest. Ash’s hand is on Kelly’s head just because. I had no idea where to put it. The other one behind the couch.

I meant to draw Pikachu on that one.

Oops.

As I was drawing the later three, I became happier. IT’S SO CUTE.

So, why do I think I became sad? Well, I think think there’s a few reasons why.

Okay, first off, I totally believe Kelly is a manifestation of my subconscious. I realized this when I was talking to my therapist about her and after I left, I was like “oh my god, I think she’s my subconscious…”. I’ve openly stated before that she isn’t me, BUT she does draw a lot from me – who I was, who I am, who I wanted to be, and who I want to be. I feel like her character can tell me a lot about myself. No wonder I feel that she’s the closest to my heart.

Recently, whenever I’ve drawn her, I’ve noticed I’ve dropped her star choker from her neck, in a very similar manner where I kept forgetting to put z’s under her eyes in her original design back from 3rd/4th grade. To me, I think this actually is a reflection of my life and my life path, where I’ve finally torn down all my starry dreams – the lack of choker around Kelly’s neck might signify freedom or, as the choker seemed to be one of the stand out points on Kelly, a lack of direction.

That being said I may have become sad because the relationship I imagine her with Ash to have is similar to the one I desire for myself, minus the whole getting-married-together-forever thing. A friends first, lovers second one. Just one where someone would cuddle with me or I could cuddle with them. It’s reminding me that I have a few friends I would love to do that with, but alas, I am quite sure they do not feel the same. So in a way, I’m jealous.

Then there’s sometimes, I just want to drop the whole Onlyinadreamshipping thing. Never have it happen in KJ. I don’t like when couples generally get together anyway, or so it seems. I feel like if the readers hadn’t dropped KJ, they might drop it if it happens and do I really want to risk it? Can I really successfully pull it off in the way I hope where it doesn’t take over the overall storyline? Then I think about how Neo and Clever wouldn’t exist if it didn’t happen, resulting in me never writing New Horizons (assuming I even get far enough to even do that in the first place). I think of all the happy images I have for them. I think about all the different plans I have for them in KJ.

Which stems into the next thing – the things I have planned for them.

Not actually written in proper fic form. Just planned.

Which, as far as KJ is concerned, hasn’t happened yet. It’s like Celebi or Dialga let the future be seen, but not how it all happens, the road up to those points. It’s actually really hard for me to full understand the nature of their relationship and how they act with each other without all the episodes being written. I have an idea how they act, but how do they even get up to that point in the first place?

I feel iffy drawing them and writing them romantically because it’s a future thing. Sometimes I even feel weird drawing Kelly in the current series outfits because hey, she’s not there yet in the actual fanfiction. It’s just a glimpse into the future.

As people pointed out to me, Kelly and Ash actually have naturally progressed to being good friends during Kelly’s Journey. Each episode, they become better and better friends. I didn’t realize this, until several people commented about it on episode 14, which made me feel kind of bad I pushed it because it was already progressing without me even realizing it! I’m sure at some point it’ll go back to naturally progressing.

If I do end up writing them romantically (assuming I can even make it to that point), they will progress to that point on their own, even if I already know the major scenes in which they happen. Their interactions will change without me even realizing it. It’ll just happen.

It makes it so awkward even writing a fanfiction on them being romantically involved because I don’t even know how their relationship will be during that time, or at least, not entirely. I’m sure the way they interact will change in some ways – and I’m not talking about being “more romantic”.

…oh, then there’s also my own headcanon for Ash and my own canon for Kelly makes me feel a bit bad. For Ash, I imagine that even if he gets older, he’ll always have a childish innocence about him. A non-romantic. He might do things that seem romantic, but don’t have that intention. I also have him headcanonically aromantic/asexual…

Kelly, on the other hand, is either bi or pansexual with a preference to girls. Perhaps boys might make good eye candy, but that’s about it. She loves the skirts, yo. There’s actually hints to Kelly’s sexuality sprinkled throughout KJ, with probably the biggest reveal when Melissa enters…

But yeah.

Then there’s also, unconnected to Onlyinadreamshipping, is my artwork. I actually hate how I doodle, since it looks like a lazier version of when I draw seriously (but then I also feel torn because I feel that the doodles feel more “alive” in comparison). I also get reminded I still have about 20 pictures left to shade, 40-something left to apply backgrounds/effects to. Ugh. It makes me feel depressed.

A combination of jealousy, futureness, headcanon, and unhappiness related to my artwork make me feel bad.

I really wish I would stop and just go about Onlyinadreamshipping as I happily please like before because it generally makes me happy, dang it!