I hate doing artwork.
I place my pencil down on a blank piece of white paper right in front of me or open up Clip Studio Paint for some doodling. My hand starts to move through my drawing steps — first the circle for the head, then the cross to make sure everything is aligned, then all the circles and lines to form the basics of the body. With each completely line, I can feel a storm starting to conjure inside of me. The storm grows more severe until raindrops rain from my eyes and my thrown pencil and pounding fist create thunder. I put a huge X through my picture and shove it off to the side, along with many other unfinished pieces.
My proportions and anatomy look terrible.
Everything takes too long.
Everything looks hideous.
I remember just how lacking of skills I am.
I’m sick of my generic poses.
I hate that I can’t draw Kelly right now.
I hate that I can’t draw Kelly’s wings and how large I want them to be because I haven’t figured out how to shape them yet.
I think I feel pressure from myself to try and make my deviantART active again and I hate that it’s not.
I feel like a part of me is dead.
I want to give up on artwork so badly, with the amount of rage it gives me. I don’t even know how I thought it was enjoyable before.
I swear the Internet has helped kill my enjoyment of doing artwork.
At first it was all “I’m doing this for fun and because I have these ideas” for myself, for the longest time. Then the Internet started to creep into my head, as well as life, I’m sure.
The Internet started pointing out that my anatomy is terrible and that my proportions are terrible. Oh, you have a fan character? You shouldn’t have one. You have a fan character that you pair up with a canon character? That’s so wrong! If you’re character is this, this, this, and this, they’re a Mary-Sue and you know, Mary-Sue’s are bad. Wow, what a rip off of this character. You should cut their hair. You should do this to this character. You should do that to that character.
Even the nice comments I get from people drive me crazy! Oh, wow! That looks great! You should colour it! Great job! I can’t wait to see more! I love the progress on this picture. I’m so excited to see it finished! When’s the next page coming out?
I just want to fall dramatically to my knees and scream, tearing up everything I have ever enjoyed to do and everything I hated to do. I want to cry and shout at the top of my lungs, letting out all the pain artwork has given me.
It always pains me too when I express I want to give up on artwork, people will say “don’t give up on artwork! I love your artwork”, which only makes me feel worse. I feel pressured to do more artwork.
It’s like I got myself into an artwork trap and I would love to go back to doing it occasionally and completely for fun. I want commissions gone. A part of me too wants to deactivate my deviantART account to remove the pressures of posting on the website, leaving only this place which I hope will just be for fun.
The artwork trap would have been between 2009 and 2013, which I think I mentioned in a previous post, about how I had started focusing on artwork primarily for others. I don’t really know if doing artwork primarily for others definitely killed my enjoyment for it or if it’s just aging.
I hate too that artwork is always the best example I can pull up. It’s something I have created a system for and can so easily use artwork as an example of how I work on things. It’s a great way to start a conversation. It’s also something that doesn’t fully give a false impression (sorta…I always feel like people think I draw like, Da Vinci-esque art or something when I suck).
Have I mentioned I hate doing artwork?
I also don’t understand why people think my ideal job would be to do artwork for a living.
That’s the opposite of what I want to do.
I just want to give up and let all my desire for doing artwork just slip through the cracks of my hands like water or grains of sand and back into the ground.
I’m hoping writing won’t end up like this for me.
I think I need to really think about the issue relating to artwork and why it sparks so much anger inside of me. Once I can identify the problems and what lead to artwork being rage-inducing, I should be able to take the steps to prevent it from happening again.
I guess the purpose of life is to suck enjoyment out of everything, huh? So you’re empty.
Because that’s what I feel right now.
Other than rage.