“Almost back in action!”…

lololol. No I’m not.

Wow, it’s been a while. I actually have two unfinished drafts I was going to post to this blog that I’m most likely going to finish after this update. I think the only blog of mine collecting more dust than this one is my “dreams” blog about dreams/nightmares I have.

You see, I wanted to get back into studying Japanese. I really, really did. But at the same time, I didn’t. I seemingly lost most of my motivation (which always comes and goes – usually goes when I’m hit with the question “why am I studying this again” and then I remember why – I’ll tell you later) and my focus shifted from writing and studying to artwork. Tons and tons of artwork. I had commissions I owed and a large back catalog of images I’m still not done with.

So, basically, I got busy.

I guarantee even if I was taking a class, my Japanese would still be as rusty as it is, if not even more rusty. I just do the class work I’m assigned and nothing further, even if I have interest – that’s why when I make myself learn things on my own, I put a lot more work and effort into it. I don’t feel restricted.

It’s now almost the end of 2011 – in fact, it is pretty much the end of 2011. It’s the 28th of December. That’s pretty close. The past two days or so I’ve been wanting to pick up my textbook and actually start working on Japanese again. There’s a couple of factors for this – 1.) I’m sick of doing artwork, 2.) I have carpal tunnel in my left hand and watching TV shows & movies to keep myself from using it has gotten quite boring, and 3.) using my 3DS again.

I think I just dread the fact that I still need to recopy my notes into my new notebook, which I messed up the order a bit already. I won’t let it happen again.

Of course, now I’m not dreading them – I’m more dreading the fact the gears in my head for Japanese are rather rusty. I’m having amnesia of words and grammar. Things that I didn’t practice a billion times are gone from my head. In fact, things I did practice a billion times seem to be gone from my head until I start studying them again. Then the gears start turning and the rust falls off from the gears clashing together. I was recopying down the section for numbers & time and I wanted to shed a tear at the fact I couldn’t remember how to write the kanji for 時間 (じかん/jikan). I could vaguely remember it, but not enough. I also had issues remembering certain words that I remember having issues with before  (probably because they don’t feel like they need to be part of my vocabulary, but oh, they do).

So, basically, the Japanese part of my mind is just one, huge rusty mess. I will fix that though. I will, I will, I most certainly will.

At this point, I’ve told myself to stop listening to all the people who say that it’s a horrible idea to learn Japanese for the sole reason of media consumption, ’cause, guess what? That’s my reason. When people tell me it’s a bad reason, it makes me think I should give up. But then I pick up a manga, play a video game, watch a show in Japanese, or browse websites, and think “this is why I want to learn Japanese”. I mean, really, what other reason would I have. Being able to converse with people will obviously be a plus, but it’s honestly not enough of a reason for me to learn Japanese. Nor is wanting to live there enough of a reason. The feeling of satisfaction and the smile that spreads across my face when I’m playing that video game that gives me a sentence I fully understand and comprehend or that 4-panel comic that I was able to translate for a friend with ease. I’m a rather selfish, yet not selfish, person. If I don’t have a reason that I feel concerns myself, then it’s not gonna motivate me. Understanding things I own is enough motivation, as well as expanding my research options (I’m pretty sure there’s more information on yokai in Japanese than English).

I am going to force myself to work on my Japanese with no internet minus the access to the Anki flashcards to pound things into my memory for the next few days. And maybe Jisho.org. Nothing else though. I’m hoping I’ll get the gears turning quickly enough to make me learn more and have things stick.

Let’s see if I can actually get back into action this time.

…probably not. (You’ll know if I do.)