(Please Note: I’m not gonna edit this. I’m too busy for that. Good day!)
Hello everybody! Happy New Years Eve or New Years Day, depending where you are! I hope your New Years is going well. I hope mine will be. However, before I get to my hopes for the new year, I have to tell you guys about how this year went. I need to tell you how I have felt through this year, what has happened, what I have achieved, and what I failed to achieve. There’s quite a lot from this year and, unfortunately, just thinking about it is making my blood run cold. My eyes feel like they want to well up in tears. My headache, which is quiet right now, feels like it wants to flare back up at any moment.
I would have held this off for a couple days just because of some other things going on right now (which I’ll get to soon), but this post is important for me. It’s a purging post for me. This is a post I am writing to help me. I’m about to unearth all my feelings from this year. Things I’ve buried the best I could to let me move on. I’m writing this to heal myself so these feelings will, hopefully, lessen, if not completely vanish.
So, I am establishing now, mostly for myself, that THIS blog entry is to help purge myself of toxic emotions, thoughts, and feelings so I can grow and become the person I should be.
Brace yourself, you guys. I’m about to tear some skin off.
Before the First Move
I have to start talking about this year by talking about last year. If you would like to read the entry on that, please check out the 2014 summary. 2014 was a slightly rough year with me. I had to deal with conflicting emotions of being in a relationship, that person moving in, my mom (desperately wanting to) sell the house, nearly everything I own being put into boxes, my room being repainted, and an increasing feeling of being repressed.
I thought 2014 wasn’t that great. I was hoping to do better in 2015. I was hoping to get a lot done this year. I was hoping that my depression would subside and I would be able to get on more stable ground. I knew I still had a lot of work ahead of me because I was in a relationship and I just couldn’t simply shut myself off from the world whenever I wanted to. That was probably partially why the voice in my head kindly informed me that I would not be finishing any of the tasks I was setting out to do. Of course, there were many other things.
This year started out with a figurative hit in the face with life. I was still working at my local Walmart at the time as a Customer Service Manager (a.k.a. Customer Service Supervisor). I can’t even remember what triggered it, but I suddenly realized I no longer wanted to be a Customer Service Manager (which was a role I wanted since I began working there in 2013), let alone work at Walmart anymore! The path I was walking down was the wrong path for me. It was a path that I started to walk down to please other people. To stop their voices in my head and to stop their real voices talk to me. It was to stop people from attempting to be a “reality” spin on my dreams. It was to stop people from discouraging my dreams. It was to give other people approval of my direction in life.
That’s when it struck me — VERY hard, might I add — that I needed to take my business seriously. You know those silly commissions I had been doing off and on since 2010? Yeah, that. THAT was the start of it. Not the end to my business, but a start to it. I knew there were other aspects of my business I wanted, but commissions were part of it. They were the easiest money makers for me, after all!
Of course, what do you do when you are hit in the face that you’ve been blindly walking down the wrong path for the past two years, realize you need to actually need to start taking your business seriously even if no one else does? What do you do when, on top of that, you are feeling repressed at home and increasingly between walls closing in, thinking you are probably going to be homeless by mid-year if you don’t figure out something soon?
My brain decided that having a near mental breakdown was the best idea. Being at Walmart was just the wrong place for me to be. Home wasn’t much more comfortable, but at least there was Hurricane who I could lean on. The near-mental breakdown made 9 hour workdays unbearable. I wanted to fall down onto my knees and just give up entirely. I wanted to run out of the store and quit. However, between the house selling and Hurricane living with me, I couldn’t do that.
What did I do instead?
I called out.
I actually think I originally started to call out because I was physically sick with a cold or something, on top of my near-mental breakdown. I really didn’t want to call out because I knew if I called out, I wouldn’t want to come back. I KNEW this.
And surely, when I came back, I didn’t want to be back. I felt a resistance to being back. I wanted no part of the front end. I wanted no part of Walmart. I mean, Walmart’s not necessarily a bad company…I just felt like I should not be a part of it anymore.
I personally was hoping that I was going to recover from my near-mental breakdowns, but life continued to hit me very, VERY hard. My 72 hours of sick time disappeared very quickly. I had to deal with crap going on at home, mostly tensions between myself and my mother. I was trying so hard to keep myself standing and not falling, but it was hard. It was so very hard. I felt repressed, angry, scared, confused, rushed, pushed. I was in a whirlwind…no, in a tornado. I was also going down a drain. I felt like I was being pulled apart.
I went back to see my old therapist, in secret from my mother who I was certain would heavily voice her disapproval, partially because of money and partially because she believed I didn’t need it. I thought I needed it…to a point. It was nice seeing an old face and telling her what was going on. I eventually brought Hurricane into our few sessions because I believed he would benefit coming as well.
During these every-two-week sessions, I was continuing to have trouble. It was becoming harder to work on my goals and do the things I loved. I was getting a pressuring voice in my head telling me I wasn’t allowed to do any of those things. I had to look at houses. I had to look at apartments. I had to look at places to live. Quite frankly, this was not a lovely voice. It was more of a hissing one. It wanted me to focus on finding these places to live almost 24/7. It was the voice that was driving me crazy. It was a voice that continued to spiral me into depression.
I haven’t experienced depression for nearly two years at this point, ESPECIALLY not this deep. Even though I could feel the levels of depression were the same as 2 years ago, I certainly felt them more. It didn’t take too much longer before I felt the depression even deeper.
I can’t say I’ve never had a suicidal thought before. I’ve had them many times. Most of the time though, I’ve never felt a pulse to act on them. The only time I have felt that before was this one time that I was driving and I wanted to just step on the gas peddle and ram myself into a wall. I’m not quite sure why I did at that time, but I did.
This year was different though. I was getting pulses to hurt myself. I was getting feeling a pulse to hurt myself. I couldn’t handle the pressures that was going on throughout my life at that moment. It’s even worse when your own brain is pressuring you too.
I broke down many times at work. It was hard to keep myself from crying. I did step down from CSM in early March and ended up over in Lawn & Garden, and during those times on the floor, tears would squeeze their way out of my tear ducts and down my face. Sometimes I was able to just shed a few tears. Other times, it was full blown and crying.
I had the crap that was going on in home, I had a hissing voice in my brain pressuring me, then work basically told me my boyfriend was banned from coming in unless I wasn’t working that day. ‘k, thanks you guys for making me want to work with you even less than before.
I do have to thank my friend from there, Liliana, who was so helpful. She was concerned whenever she caught me crying uncontrollably. She even pulled me aside once to go to the training room because I was having such a horrible breakdown. She even threatened to call an ambulance because I was so depressed and seemed on the edge of committing suicide!
I asked to go home many times, even knowing the consequences. Looking at the situation in retrospect, I really should have just quit. I was not emotionally stable to handle myself at that particular period in time. I could not shake off the feeling either that Walmart at this point was holding me back. It no longer was needed for me to deal with. However, I need money, right? That’s what I told myself…
…I just needed the money…
…which really did not help me at all because more often than not, the thought of doing something strictly for money makes me suicidal as well.
Yes. I have issues with money.
Anyway, I kept in a cycle of calling out, asking to leave early, and crying. Lots and lots of crying. I began to feel nostalgic for my old job position as a CSM. I felt so lowly being in Lawn & Garden and very quickly realized that the salesfloor position was not for me. I felt out of place and I lacked what I wanted and needed most of all: the feeling that I truly helped people. I felt more like that as a CSM, but felt less like that as a salesfloor associate. Neither one was enough.
There was one night that my mother and I had a pretty horrible fight. I can’t really remember what it was about at this point. All I know is that it was cruel and I felt suicidal. I decided to e-mail my therapist to tell her what was going on. I was telling her my feelings. I was telling her what my mother said to me, how it made me feel suicidal. I was telling her what I wish I was doing instead, which included all my goals, cooking, sewing, dancing, and so much more. I know a large part of me was just hoping for some sympathy, although a smaller part of me just really wanted help with balancing, because that’s really what I needed.
I just needed some help balancing.
She should have know that when I don’t do creative projects for a long time, I slip into depression. The longer I stay away from the creative projects, the deeper I go. When I keep up with the creative projects, I am more balanced and everything goes harmoniously. I am peaceful in all aspects of my life. It was something I discovered along time ago about myself and had informed her about it that time ago.
Of course, the e-mail she sent me just simply reinforced the cruelness that my brain was hissing at me all the long. She told me what I wanted to do was whimsical. Unrealistic. She believed my mom had some dream of us all living together, but is now wanting to see us go. She claimed the things I wanted to do (including cooking) were luxuries in life. They were whimsical and luxuries. I needed to focus on the reality and find a place to live. And, as usually, she brought up how she knows so many people who would LOVE to be in the positions my boyfriend and I have been in up until now.
(Please Note: shortly after writing those words, I began to cry. Thank you Hurricane for being there to hold me and cheer me up!)
This words pushed me to the very edge. The VERY, VERY edge.
I was afraid of myself. I was afraid if I wasn’t going to simply hurt myself, I was going to kill myself.
This therapist, whose known me for a long time (I’ve seen her since middle school), should have KNOWN that the creative projects for me my medicine. It is my anti-depressant. I was hoping for guidance on how to input these more creative aspects of life into my current situation that I was dealing with. Instead, I was told how unimportant it was.
The lady on the phone number work gave me one of the times I went home early was WAY more helpful than my own therapist who has known me for years was!
I know that for some people, doing what I am able to do is a luxury. I personally have a problem with that because, to me, it should not be a luxury! The fact that it is a luxury for some to me indicates a MUCH larger issue.
I know some people too believe that you only should worry about shelter, food, water, and money. Things that they consider necessary for survival. The fact I even want to be creative is laughable to them. However, being creative is part of my own survival. Without it, I am no longer worth being around on this planet.
Her words hurt me SO much. More than my mother. More than the voices in my head. I suppose in a way, I felt betrayed. More importantly, I lost my willingness to live. It’s a feeling I’ve felt before when core pillars of my being have been struck. When I’ve been told things like my goals and my dreams are unrealistic. I know people have good intentions (usually), but more often than not, it just sends me to a really dark place.
I have no purpose for living, no reason to live. What’s the point of surviving if I don’t have a purpose attached to it? I know some people would mention the people I love and care about, but I know the darkest parts of me (not as in evil-dark, but that they stay in the shadows) really doesn’t love anyone enough to stay alive for them. Maybe Hurricane now (he is a motivator and an inspiration to me in ways no one else has), but even then…it’s the creations born from creative projects and their potential that truly keep me going.
The dark place I hit this time around was the darkest I have ever reached. I didn’t even know I could get so far down into depression and anxiety. I didn’t just feel like hurting myself and/or killing myself, I KNEW I was going to if I didn’t defuse myself.
I was already signed up for a leave-of-absence from work for a week. Knowing that, I decided to take my friend’s suggestion of going to the hospital. Maybe they would be able to help me? Inside I had a doubt.
So, I went to the hospital in hopes that they could help me. Hurricane was double checking with me to make sure I really wanted to do this. I decided to do it anyway, even though I had a definite doubt.
I didn’t really know where the hospital was and initially went to a different one than the one I went up to. The first one kind of harshly told me they couldn’t help me, so I ended up going to the other one who took care of me right away. I honestly thought I was going to stay there for a couple of hours. They kept me overnight.
I was really surprised by how systematic they were with getting me. Having me changing into a hospital gown, ushering me into their psych-ward area, looking around at the unfamiliar sights. It was definitely an interesting experience to say the least. I think I was mostly surprised that ALL of my personal belongings were put into storage. Otherwise, it was just a bit weird. It became apparent pretty quickly with the doctors talking to me that I couldn’t be helped. I was just going through things in life and there wasn’t anything they can do to fix that. However, I expressed to them that I really did not feel safe with myself — which I really, truly didn’t — so they decided to keep me overnight.
One of the things that I keep remembering is that one of the doctor’s responded that “life is pressure” when I mentioned the pressure I was currently feelings. Maybe I’m just not experienced in life yet, but is the amount of pressure that I was feeling at the rate I was feeling it actually normal in life? If so…that’s so stupid.
The words that eventually came to me were: USELESS and I don’t want a life.
Useless was attached to what I was thinking about people. Everybody was useless. They were of no help, which was something that very quickly ended up making me feel very lonely…
Then how I don’t want a life.
Now, I’m not talking about death. I’m talking about how I don’t want to participate in what people generally will call “life” like the whole jobs and living and all that crap. I would like to minimally worry about that stuff and pour myself into creations and do nothing else. Interact with no one, be with no one, not participate with anyone or anything except that.
Anywaaaaaayy…uuuuh…the creepiest thing in the ward was a guy who was schizophrenic. He was fine during the day, but at night…not so much. A lot of his arguments about society were strangely something that resonated with me, although I believe that I have a different grounding towards it. It was basically just about how society was lying to us and stuff. The guy also liked to point out that he made the Apple Watch, which I personally doubt, but oooookaaaaaaay. I wish I could remember what he said before he let out a crazy laugh…it was something like “we are at an impasse now, aren’t we”. Very creepy.
I had trouble sleeping and was getting bored. They wouldn’t let me have any pencils, but they got me crayons. There was one guy (a nurse) who was seeing my drawings and we started chatting about anime. When it hit night time, I was REALLY missing Hurricane and regretted going to the hospital. I was encouraged to go to bed and eventually did fall asleep. I woke up a few times to different situations. Patients freaking out, bringing in a new patient, stuff like that…
I woke up the next day, feeling defused. When I was checked in that day, I told them that. Which, honestly, is all the hospital was good for for me. It helped to defuse me. I think the fact I was just somewhere different and by myself was such a defused.
…of course, when the medical bill came, I realized I honestly could have gone to NYC for a fraction of the price with same therapeutic results…*sighs* Never did I want free healthcare so badly!
The leave-of-absence came and went. I went back to work freaking out because I had no idea how to get a note for it when I had just stopped seeing my therapist! My supervisor though was understanding and approved them, but then talked to me about the rest of my absences…
I was still dealing with pressure at home. I was dealing with pressure at work. I was still trying to find a place to live, but within my budget range…which was extremely tiny. I knew I was being realistic when I was thinking I could not afford ANY of it. Even if Hurricane was working, we would still not be able to afford anything.
I think the worst feeling though was the loneliness. I had people around me, but I felt so alone. Even with Hurricane being right there next to me, I still felt lonely. I knew he was having a different understanding of the situation than I was. That was enough to make me feel alone…
Over the remaining months, we actually made a move on with looking at houses. We got close to one, but we failed to get it for pitching a price that was way too low. The Realtor we were working with failed to get back to us after that. Argh.
Back at Walmart, I wanted to become a CSM again. The front end manager and I started to get along well. She found out that I LOVED to push the war wagon. It surprised her that I actually smiled when I was doing that! I told my current supervisor about becoming a CSM again and they just wanted to make sure I’d be okay. I told them I needed to stop stepping down.
I have this really bad habit that when ever I am in a higher position, like a leadership role, I always step down. I lose confidence in myself.
I had a chance to interview at some point, didn’t get it, BUT was up for when they had another position open for the role.
…of course…I moved literally the week before then.
I can’t remember if it was May or June, but my mother told me about a particular showing and I immediately heard in my head that it was THE ONE. I kind of freaked out in disbelief, but it still happened. The house sold.
Hurricane had to be sent back to his parents.
I had to move in with my dad and work at the Salem, MA Walmart.
Something I knew was coming, only because of the way this year was being, as much as I did not want it to happen…
I moved in with my dad. I didn’t have any choice. My younger sister moved in with her boyfriend, my mom got her own place, Hurricane had to go back to his parents, and I wound up with my dad. I guess in a way, it was back with my dad. It was kind of like a weird karma thing because he had kicked me out of his house because he was selling his at the time. Now I was moving back because my mom sold her house. Hm.
Of course, right from the first day, I felt unwelcome. Of course, my dad said some really not nice things to me that made me unwelcome…ugh. I didn’t want to be there either, you know.
I started worked at the Salem, MA Walmart…as a Customer Service Manager!!! I was SO excited to be back in that position, but I quickly got reminded that one of the reasons I left the position because I was bored. I also could not resist calling out again. I still wasn’t stable. On top of that, I was SO over Walmart at this point. I was literally only dragging out the inevitable.
I got called into the office one day for the absences and they asked me if I could handle my job as a CSM, I said no. I expected them to ask me what position would be better suited for me, but nope. They chose it. A cashier.
A cashier. That is the WORST position for me.
I left though before that even went into place though because I had it. While most of the managers were fine, my direct supervisor was awful. Simply, she had no concept of respecting the individual. I felt like I was treated like I was stupid more often than not.
That’s not the only thing though. The store had this strangely laid-back-but-strict attitude which conflicted with each other in TERRIBLE ways, watching the front end was LITERALLY baby sitting (my previous store used to joke about that, but really…this store was literally baby sitting). They had the CSMs doing things that took them away from the most important duties.
Honestly, the store was just awful, was in an extremely shady area, and I knew was the wrong place for me to be in. I was only there because I didn’t take the steps I needed to do earlier in the year.
…well, that’s kind of not true. To be honest, I think if I had just maintained creativity and focused on my business like I kept feeling throughout the year, I would have been fine. I even think I would have more money right now and would have still stayed in my previous area if I did! But no. I had to throw myself into walls instead. So I ended up where I wasn’t suppose to be. Greeeeeaaaaaaaatttt.
I felt so uncomfortable.
I didn’t want to tell dad that I left Walmart, but eventually did. I started looking for other jobs, looking for places in both my old area and this new one. After a couple interviews, I finally landed one with Staples closer to my old area! I WAS SO HAPPY TO GO BACK TO MY OLD AREA!
Of course, we can’t forget about Hurricane. That side is a doozy.
When we first got back to MA, I was able to sleep over his house. His mother was fine with that. She was super excited that her “daughter” was now sleeping over! I was still super uncomfortable though, especially after finding out that their bathroom door is…awkward. Like, it doesn’t really close and kind of gets stuck in an area and it’s really super uncomfortable…
Of course, his father had a problem with that. One day he woke up seeing me “sneak in” (he was sleeping on the couch and Hurricane told me to be quiet) and was like “I don’t like this”. Like, gee, thanks for making me feel even more uncomfortable!
Things like this happened quite often and eventually I wasn’t allowed to sleep over while the father was there. If he was away, that’s fine. Hurricane’s mother liked me. I liked her rice and beans and the sauce she put on it. There was even a time I had a good conversation with his father about cooking, but that quickly disappeared…
Honestly, the crap that went on with that was just horrible. In fact, I’m going to write it in a different post because there’s just too much. Let me just say right now though, I no longer have to imagine knowing how it feels to have someone hate you simply because of your skin colour. I know now.
What I will say though is that Hurricane went onto a trip to Georgia with his parents — the longest time he spent with his parents since he got back — and I was SO worried. I cried so much. I had horrible anxiety. I was so worried sick about him! When he came back, I rescued him so many times. So, so, SO many times. We even started staying at my mother’s house because we both were so uncomfortable where we were living…
I was hanging out with Hurricane everyday up until I started my job at Staples. I was worried about him, but I felt like things would be fine. I made sure every day I had off, I was seeing him. I needed to make sure he was alright. Honestly, it wasn’t like I was doing anything productive.
I did try and get a few things done during mid-time this year, but barely got through anything. I felt uncomfortable where I was and it just got worse as the days went on. I’m amazed at the stuff I even managed to do!
Okay…so, let me move onto the remainder of the year!
Remainder of the Year
I started Staples in the Copy & Print Center. I’m still there even now. I like it a lot. However, because of how hard I was hit this year, it’s hard for me to be enthusiastic and be excited to come to work. Honestly, it’s probably because I know where I really should be and where I want to head.
The biggest change from Walmart was simply how friendly and supportive everybody is. Walmart was so strict about everything, but Staples cares for its customers and employees. My supervisor is an amazing woman who takes into account experiences and personal ways of doing things into account. Everyone in the Copy & Print Center shared their experiences with me to ensure I knew that they too had gone through the same thing and that everything would be fine after practice. It’s such a different feeling! One I’m thankful for.
I think the hardest part though was knowing that Hurricane was stuck 2 hours away from me. I wanted him there next to me so badly, I made sure to bring his set of pillows down with me and used his teddy bear he gave me to pretend it was him. I wanted him to be next to me, beside me so badly. And not just for a weekend.
Towards the end of September, Hurricane and I went to Florida. Before I picked him up though, I was pulled inside his house. I was scared. I don’t know where my fear went though once his father started talking. In summary, it was that he didn’t like mine and Hurricane’s relationship, I should be telling them (his parents) where I’m taking Hurricane, I’m “like a lion” and playing both Hurricane & his mother, and he doesn’t like white people (yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah….). I’ll go more into detail about that later…regardless of this talk, we were able to go.
We went to Florida. We only stayed for a few days, but I really wish that we stayed longer. It was such a pleasant trip. Hurricane fit in right away. My mom, Hurricane, and I were surprised that my grandfather liked Hurricane and how well they got along! I got to see my cousins, who I miss. It was just so nice. Only thing is…I felt hurt. When I had a down quiet time, my skin would crawl and my blood would go cold. I wanted to scream. The things his father said to me REALLY hurt. Even though I was calm and I know that they were not true, just the fact that someone would even think would he said to me HURT.
I had fear holding onto me regards to what he said. I ended up deciding though to rid that fear and do what felt right to me. Then we get to a fateful weekend where Hurricane told his mother he was staying over until Saturday, his mother said okay, and then his mother called me early in the morning TWICE (and I mean ridiculously early, which I will talk about later). I listened to the messages she left me when I got up and promptly informed her the exact plans…only to have her call me shortly after work, shouting at me to “not to do this to her”. I hung up and after the conversation ended and received a text message asking for my drivers license number and year of my car from her…although I knew it wasn’t from her because she doesn’t text.
I sent the screenshot to my mom and to Hurricane & Daniel. I surprised that my mother was home and she called Hurricane’s mother back. My mom unintentionally yelled at her over the phone (his mother wasn’t letting her speak) and told me to block her, so I did. I was going to bring him back that day, but after this…nooooope, we were not going back.
Hurricane was going to stay with me again! I was SO happy!
Following this, we worked on him getting a job and us getting our own place. I got the motivation — REAL motivation — to work on projects again! We ended up with an apartment fairly quickly…Hurricane got a job in that same week!
The apartment was kind of small, but good. It’s a good size for us to start out in. I knew what I needed — anything for my business — our TV, couch, and media tower. That’s what we needed the most. Besides our Japanese-style futon and clothes, harharhar.
It took a while to get our apartment to really feel like a home, but it got there. It also took a bit to get myself to the point where I could get back to work…especially because my tablet decided to die on me. Like, really? It just had to die? Thanks tablet…thanks a lot…
But luckily, my mom understood the importance of myself getting a new tablet (I have WORK to do), so she kindly bought me a new one. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
All my stuff got to come back to my place and we set up everything. We set up our TV, couch, media tower, my computer desk…oh man, my computer desk! I don’t think I felt so at home before until then! I knew it was risky to have my computer back, since I wouldn’t focus on cleaning…but that’s okay. I had WORK to do!!!!!!!!
Compared to the beginning of this year, this ending seemed to have an improvement…an improvement I personally knew was coming. I can tell you that there are certain snags still and some worries, but compared to the beginning of the year, I am far more peaceful. My problems right now are dealing with a feeling of procrastination, when I really need to work. I have a convention coming up January 9th & 10th and I have far more work to do…and I want to get things done ahead of time.
Even if it’s just a bit ahead of time.
These past couple of days have been pretty uneventful, which is fine. I have lots of work to still do.
2017 will be a big year for me, but only if 2016 paves the way for that. I am looking forward to what is coming. I just hope that the fear I have will disappear…
Okay, so after that nice little ending note, let me talk about Hurricane’s parents and the things they said to me. They were basically part two of people hurting me this year. Isn’t that fun?
- his mother implied that I need to lose weight and look more “sexy”; basically be a sex object
- his mother also implied that Hurricane looks at sexy girls (which really made me want to reply that I would probably look at them with him)
- his father said he doesn’t approve our relationship, I’m not needed because his family his huge, he doesn’t like white people, I’m “like a lion” and manipulate Hurricane and toss him aside like he’s garbage, our relationship is puppy dog love, I need to tell his parents where I’m taking him, that I think that they (Hurricane’s parents) are stupid, and that I’m manipulating both Hurricane and his mother; EVERYTHING he said about me is absolutely not true — I don’t think I ever loved any living person more than Hurricane! The fact I’m seen as a “lion” (which is actually funny because that’s what we normally describe his parents as) and manipulative is just…awful!
- his mother called me twice on that Saturday I was going to bring him home: once at 4 AM and once at 6 AM; I called her after I got up for work, listened to the messages she left (which was basically that what I was doing was “not good”; soooooooo…what? Bringing Hurricane back on time isn’t good?), and called her to tell her that our original plan WAS Saturday and just corrected her assumption.
- his mother called me shortly after work, flipping out at me asking where Hurricane was (my mom’s place), flipping out at me for the fact he wasn’t headed back to their place (I shouldn’t “leave him there”; I had work, dang it), and that I should “do this to her”. She kept crying to me over and over “DON’T DO THIS TO ME KELLY”. And this was all because Hurricane told her that he was staying over until Saturday and they expected him Friday after midnight. Oh brother.
- I got a text message from her phone, but I knew it wasn’t her because she doesn’t text asking for my driver’s license number and year of my car. I suspect it was the father texting that because I know he’s wanted to call the police on me and my mom several times before simply because he didn’t like Hurricane not being with them.
Wow. Putting it like this totally defuses it for me. In a way, it’s even kind of funny? I mean…really, at the time, it’s not funny. What his father said to me still HURTS like crazy when I think about it. However, I know I’ll heal from that. I’m sure everything has worked out from the best.
I have not been so directly in a toxic environment before and just entering into it like this…I put up with just too much crap. I love Hurricane though, so I put up with it, even though I didn’t necessarily have to. I could have distanced myself, but I love Hurricane. I didn’t want him to feel abandoned by me. I love you, honey bee. <3
I’ve been waiting for this moment for these past couple of weeks. I’ve been waiting because I really wanted to talk about my goals. I wanted to talk about them not because of what I achieved, but that I failed to achieve. I barely made it an inch closer to completing them in 2015.
Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I down about it? A bit. Will I hold it against me? Absolutely not.
This year was extremely tough. It did not pick up until these past few months and even now, I still feel some rocky times ahead. I hope to change that though before I hit that tipping point where it goes down. 2015 might have been a huge disappointment, but 2016 will be MUCH better. 2017 will be even better than that!
Before you go ahead and read this goal review, please check out the 2015 Goal blog entry. It will give you a better idea of what I wanted to achieve for this year.
As I mentioned, I failed this year in a huge way. All my 2015 goals were carry-overs from 2014. I had some really big finisher plans this year, but they weren’t even scratched.
My focuses for 2015 were Japanese, Kelly’s Journey, and my Website. They were a reversal of the 2014 goals. I was sick of not working on Japanese and wanted to do it SO badly. I wanted to get further in Kelly’s Journey just because I wanted to be able to post up episodes more frequently. I wanted to do the semi-important pages to my website.
It became very apparent to me very quickly that Japanese was slipping away from me AGAIN. Every single time I wanted to work on the language, I seemed to have other, more important things whisk me away. Most of the time it’s artwork priorities, but this time it was stupid lifey stuff. I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to have the language slip away from me AGAIN. It’s also the only one that I haven’t been able to recover from the whole “whimsical luxury” blow earlier in the year, which I will talk about in a bit.
Now, despite the language slipping away, I did do a few things. I completed certain parts of my notes I was taking and started other parts of them. What I didn’t do was get to the dang textbook lessons I wanted to. I’m getting really sick of being stuck in the same place I was in Japanese in 2012 (although, I may actually be WORSE now because I haven’t actively used it, argh).
I’m sure part of the reasons why Japanese slipped away over other things is because I am well aware of its “hobby” status for me. It’s a hobby of mine. Hobbies, my TRUE hobbies, can be put aside whether I want them to be or not. My false hobbies, the masked hobbies that are really far more than hobbies are the ones I can’t put aside without slipping into depression.
Then we have Kelly’s Journey. I actually think I would have gotten a bit further if I didn’t get to a boring episode combined with having no motivation and recovering from all the crap that happened earlier this year. Kelly’s Journey is something that takes time to write. I didn’t feel like I had time.
Then my website. Literally the only thing I even did this year to my website was create a holiday-pricing page. That’s it. That’s all I did. I didn’t get to work on the Kelly’s Journey subsite, no comic subsite…none of that stuff.
Just the holiday-pricing page which is just one page.
And that was in November on Black Friday when I was feeling a lot better.
None of my filler goals got done either (but to be fair, they were fillers).
Save money was failure.
Figuring out my housing situation though happened whether or not I wanted to. I ended up at my dad’s, then switching between my mom’s and dad’s, and then I ended up in an apartment together with Hurricane!
Fun thing about my housing thoughts is that it more or less happened! I do feel a lot more free and motivated, but the only things that are standing in my way seem to be procrastination (linked to what happened earlier this year; I’m still recovering despite doing better) and spending time with Hurricane. I just need to learn how to balance.
I guess for my work goals, I achieved that too…just not the way I planned. I thought I was going to work on becoming a better CSM. Now I’m working to becoming a better Copy & Print Associate at Staples, as well as becoming a better business owner!
Scheduling failed this year.
It’s kind of funny to see what I wrote about 2015, my hopes for it. My project goals didn’t happen for the most part, but the housing and work stuff did. Interesting…
Now I wonder about next year’s…
Buried or Lost?
While all my projects suffered a blow earlier this year, I was able to regain them all pretty easily after a while except for Japanese. I ask myself if I want to do Japanese, but I can just feel myself lift my shoulders up, but quickly go back down. It’s gotten so bad to the point where I’ve even thought about switching my phone back into English! (I’m slightly horrified by that.)
I have questioned if I lost interest in Japanese with how dead my motivation seems to be. To test this, I decided to watch a Japanese TV show and it became apparent to me that, no, I did not lose interest…I’m just not engaged enough.
Japanese is really the only thing that I didn’t have any chance to really hook myself back into after getting blown over. Artwork is easy. Writing is easy. Dancing, singing, cooking, all of that is easy. But Japanese? That’s a lot harder for me when something like that gets buried. I needed to dig it out with some studying, but I was too busy digging out other stuff.
Japanese was left to be buried. I was able to brush some of the dirt off now, but it’s definitely not enough. I’m going to keep being interested in Japanese and I know there’s something about it that truly makes my heart sing. However, I need a motivator to brush me off. Get me back into the game. Question is…how?
I’m sure some show watching and some reading of Japanese can help. Maybe I need something more? I’m not sure. I hope to know soon.
For the first time in a while, I sat down and read something in Japanese on purpose. All it was is this silly Pokémon magazine. I decided to read it for no other reason than to get those rusty gears going again. I was pretty relieved to realize I still remember a lot of stuff. I also found out that I can read Japanese upside pretty easily, so that’s cool! Harharhar.
I hope Japanese will come out again soon. I miss it!
2015 sucked. I knew it was going to suck. It felt largely unproductive up until the past few months. I’m going into 2016 with a better outlook, but I can feel that I’m not out of the red yet! I have to focus on the convention coming up January 9th and 10th, but after that…it’s show time!
Happy New Years!
Get ready for the next post: 2016 Goals
Interested in knowing more about this year?
Personal Updates – September: 1