[RAMBLES] I Hate Me Right Now, But That’s Okay

I don’t know, maybe I’m tired. Maybe I ate too much. Maybe I just waited too long to work on my goals. Maybe I’m annoyed that I need to set up my laptop, which barely fits on my desk, right next to me so I can follow a tutorial for making WordPress layouts and actually see all the coding properly. Perhaps I just would love to try working on other things, even though I shouldn’t right now.

I’m starting to feel down. I’m starting to feel really down. I’m not working on my goals right now, but I don’t feel like it. I should feel like it, but I don’t. I would like to try and do something else, but I can’t do anything else.

I want to sew. I don’t want to sew bags though, which I still have to sew – I want to sew clothes. I want to sew something that I’m actually going to wear. However, when I think about sewing, I start thinking about all the steps I have to do for it, in addition to the fabric I need for it – there’s no way I have the fabric. I’m going to have to go out and buy more fabric, which I don’t have the money for.

I’m kind of struggling instead of myself because I want to do so many things. Even when I break things down into priorities and whatnot, it just hits like…a point, I guess.

I have asked myself before, if I could only do two things right now, what would I do? I would write and sew. Writing is obviously the easier of the two – it costs time, not money, for me to write. I would love to sit down and write a blog entry or a short story or a novel all day long. Sewing, on the hand, is the harder of the two. I have ideas in my head and have so much fabric, but I…ugh.

For my ideas, many of them are too hard for my current skill level, or so I tell myself. On the other hand, the ideas I have in my head that I totally believe I could do if I wanted to…I just get reminded I don’t have the fabric colours.

I don’t have enough black fabric.

I don’t have enough hot pink fabric.

I don’t have enough lime green fabric.

I don’t have enough white fabric.

I don’t have enough gray fabric.

Pretty much all the fabric I have are left over from cosplay costumes I’ve made a long time in the past, which are in VERY different colours than what I want from my personal wardrobe.

I hope in time I just shut up this “no, you shouldn’t sew because it’s too hard” and just DO IT.

But I can’t do it right now.

“But Kelly, why can’t you do it right now? You definitely can!”

No, no I can’t.

I have my website to complete. I have this blog layout to try and make, because I don’t like using the default WordPress one. I want one that reflects what I want as a layout. I have main website pages to make.

“Oh, you can do that later! How about you take a break from it now and try sewing some stuff?”

Have you ever had a specific task you felt that you had to do (like a school project), but did something else? Did you ever end up with that little voice in the back of your head, whispering to you that “psssst, you still have that project you need to finish? And that little voice doesn’t go away. It just gets larger until it starts pressing against your brain, stressing you out because YOU HAVE THIS TASK TO DO and it starts affecting how you function.

That’s what I’m at right now.

I just need to finish my website and continue writing KJ.

“How about after you finish those, you sew?”

After my website, I am moving onto Japanese because I have neglected that FAR too long and Kelly’s Journey isn’t going to be done for a very, very long time.

I know in my mind, I live in a fantasy world where I go around in extravagant clothing and, to me, looking utterly AMAZING. Reality isn’t like that though. While some parts of my fantasies, I know they can’t happen, there’s other parts I know I can. I absolutely, positively can make them real.

It just requires time, dedication, and effort.

I just want a balance between reality and my fantasies. That’s all I want.

And I know how to get there.

But…the effort.

Oh geez, I’m so lazy.

But once I do it, I’ll be all set.

Ugh.

I don’t even know why I’m writing on here.

No one reads this blog anyway.

Even more so since my website isn’t even fully up.

I know making it is currently a waste of time.

The commission site was a waste of time.

Nobody’s going to look at it.

I hope they will once I start promoting it, but I highly doubt it and it makes me sad. Extremely sad.

Oh well.

I guess I should stop crying about not doing things and get back to doing things.

Or maybe I go relax, go to sleep, wake up, and try again tomorrow.

I hate me a lot right now.

I wish to stop eating so much, I wish to dance more, and I wish to work on my goals far, far, far more often. Myself, are you listening?

Cut back on the eating, cut back on it greatly.

Dance. Dance far more often. Review those stupidly wonderful parapara dances you have been meaning to. How about recording some videos? I mean, I know you want to dress up and look all awesome, but for some simple REFILMS or simply just to REMEMBER your choreography, you can do them just dressed as yourself, with your Japanese here.

So dance, dance me! DANCE! Also, learning Fire Stepping. I can do that, right? Yes, yes I think I can. So, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

Last, but not least, GET TO WORK. Get to work me! Work! Work! Work! Work on those commissions, work on those goals!

You know, I’m about halfway done with that WordPress tutorial. Hopefully you can get everything to work. No, you WILL get everything to work. Then you can start to modify the theme and make THIS website the website you have been wanting it to be! You know, once this blog is completed in terms of layout (not blog entries!), you can work on the rest of the website and fly through it! I’m excited about that.

For Kelly’s Journey, just keep at it. You just finished writing episode 20, so I recommend continuing episode 2 of Kelly’s Journey so you can FINISH IT tomorrow. Once that’s completed, start episode 3’s rewrite and start episode 21 (ISLAND OF GIANT POKÉMOOOOOOON!!!!).

I am going to do all of this. Heck, it’s already started and I’m almost there!

And don’t forget, I’m livin’ ’til 90 and I can take all the time I need, just as long as I use it wisely.

I’m going to take a shower now because my hair is disgusting and hope I come to a conclusion about what to do next!

Please do not be upset that you’re not sewing right now – you will get to it.

I love you.