So, why am I not getting paid for this?

To other peoples’ minds, I’m just putting in a lot of time to a hobby, not doing actually work. That the work I’m doing can’t be considered “real work”. Hearing both those things make my stomach churn and sets of angry switches in my mind. I define a hobby as something one does for “fun” and “to relax”, with no intention of ever making money off of it. I define “real work” has something that wrings yourself dry of everything and is full of a mixture of emotions – joy, sorrow, and so many more – all for the purpose of particular goal, primarily money. Not some lame job people assign you to keep you busy that sucks out all your life force and slowly, painfully crushes you existence. These things that you call “hobbies” are my heart’s work. Some might want to call it my “true calling”, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the right phrasing.  I’m beyond sure that this is what I’m suppose to be doing for a living. Of course, I can’t do that without putting things into place first. The works of my heart follow my definition of “real work”. They are not hobbies. The only one that is even remotely hobbyish is drawing, but even then, I’ve wanted to do graphic design and manga (and I still do), so I still have the intention of making money off them.

There are things I want to start kicking into place: my website and my beta novels. My website is my central ground for advertising – I’ve had that as my intention from the start, which is why I so desperately needed one that was my own. It’s where I can direct people who I have small talk with who seem to have some interesting in my works. The beta novels, as I call them, are important for gaining my fanbase and strengthening my own writing skills. At least let me get my website all squared away for advertising purposes and get the first drafts of my beta novels done (so far, I have plans for three – well, two, but I want a third one). So how long will that take me? Probably until the end of this year. That is if I don’t get interrupted by other things like art commissions, my actual hobbies (watching TV shows/anime/movies, reading with the intention of pleasure and not research, playing video games), and a part time job that gives me more than 25 hours. Sorry mother and father dear, I can’t handle a “full time job” just yet. I’ve got too many things I’ve got to set in place and get into the habit of before I do that.

The title of this journal entry actually refers to a number of things that are all more or less the same – I decide to take on projects that I should probably get paid to do, but I don’t. For instance, right now (well, not right now, but you get what I mean), I am working on my second novel. I completed my first (…well, technically one half of it – I have a flip side to write, but that’s a confusing story to explain). I’m frustratingly wringing out my mind and typing furiously away trying to write the novel. It’s actually going pretty smoothly, though I’m still frustrated that I’m more than 5,000 words behind on my personal goal word count. I’m going to be working on it again after I get a few things all squared away for today. Including reopening Facebook for the purpose of getting my own ego stroked. I want an audience response, dang it! I probably should be getting paid for working on my website too, but clearly, that’s not going to happen.

My friend also approached me yesterday, asking me if I could novelize his game idea for the purpose of figuring out how to make the story flow. I, obviously, said yes. Not only is this my friend, I also really wanted to collaborate doing a novel with them – we both have great ideas and I think together we can make an amazing team. I’m also planning on doing a novelization of another one of their games that they did as well because I enjoyed it so much. Of course, as I was having the conversation with them, I couldn’t help but think “I should probably get paid to do this“, but I’m not going to ask that of my friend. Especially because they’re doing half the work and I willingly wanted to collaborate on it. I don’t even know if we’re going to be posting the books up online even – he told me he would think about it. I told him though that I couldn’t start working on it until after this month. I have a word count to catch up on and commissions [insert annoyed sigh here] to do. And my website to try and finish. Oh, website. I must finish you.

It would be nice to get paid to do all this writing that I pour my existence to (and trust me, it’s worth all of it). No, wait. Not just the writing. The web designing, the drawing, and all the things I do that I plan to make money off of one day. I don’t though. It probably would bother me more if I didn’t feel like money doesn’t really…well, I want to say matter, but it matters for the survival in this human society and for any hopes and dreams that actually require having cash. I guess you can say I understand now why people say “money doesn’t matter”. I’m actually willing to work for free – including the lame jobs that I can’t consider to be real work – simply because I don’t…well, augh, it’s hard to describe since I know both sides to the money argument. A lot of these are being done because I want to do them, not because I’m getting paid to do them (this includes lame jobs – I’m doing them because I want to do them, not because I’m getting paid something, so don’t even tell me that is what makes the writing separate from other work, such as, let’s say data entry, because I am more than willing to data entry for free – not to mention, I don’t think I should be paid to do data entry. I should be paid to my writing!! Rawr!). Unlike my commissions where I’m being paid to do them and I don’t really want to do them.

And have I ever mentioned that I hate drawing most of the time? It’s more of a burdensome chore for me to do than fun. The “fun” part is seeing something I had in my head finished on a piece of paper, if it even turns out anything like my mind pictured it. I continue to do it though because without doing it, it feels like I’m wasting my existence and I don’t want to be one of those people who look at everyone’s artwork and think “oh, I wish I could draw”. Because, do you know what? I can draw. Not super well, but that’s something I need to work towards.

Oh god, working towards it. TIME. WHY ISN’T THERE MORE OF YOU?

I guess to simply summarize this post:
– Writing, drawing, web design are not hobbies of mine. They’re my heart’s work.
– Drawing is more of a chore for me than it is anything else, but I continue to do it because I don’t want to look at other’s peoples’ drawings and wish I could draw.
– “Real Work” causes a mixture of emotions and doesn’t make your existence feel like a waste
– “Lame jobs” are busy work until you do your real work
– My hobbies would be along the lines of watching TV shows/anime/movies, reading for pleasure, and playing video games
– My website is going to be a central zone of advertising
– I’m writing novels
– I should get paid for everything I’m doing, but I don’t feel towards money, including for lame jobs
– My friend and I are doing a super awesome collaboration project I’m actually excited about!
– …I’m reopening Facebook. Oh boy.
– There needs to be more time