I kind of had a few near-mental breakdowns in the beginning of this year, but I think I’m a bit more stable now. A bit. Not too much more, but just a bit. Part of my breakdown (there’s a lot going on right now) was with my mind yanking me around on the chain, begging me to do too many things and reminding me that I feel like I don’t have any time. I also kept hearing a nagging voice in my head reminding me I still had all my commissions left to complete, all but one paid for at the time. They were paid back in October or November, so you can imagine how much energy this was taking out of me, being reminded.
I really want to work on Japanese though — it’s a goal for this year and honestly, it’s not going too well so far. I probably should have delayed working on it in full until February (which I may do now), since it’s a bit more motivating to work on it after the first month of the year…but that’s another story.
So, again, I wanted to work on Japanese. I wanted to get my entire textbook noted on Evernote within a month. I can’t do that without doing about four sections a day. However, commissions…those darn things lingering in the background, harshly whispering on me to work on them.
You’d think I would be able to divide my time between commissions and Japanese, but noooope. Let me tell you, I cannot do that. I mean, I guess I could, but not without feeling bad and sick over the fact I wasn’t working on commissions. I feel guilty already for not working on them.
Commissions, when I really want to work on them and/or I have this sense of guilt for not working on them, I have the tendency to throw myself into them until I crash. It’s like I’m speeding down a road. I do the same thing to other things as well, but right now, commissions are my focus. I will spend hours working only on them, rarely getting up to go do something else. I won’t stop until I either have to go to bed, I’m too burnt out and distracted, and/or I finish it.
Due to this speeding-down-a-road feeling (or speeding down a hill may be a better analogy), everything else gets shoved aside. I want to do Japanese? Nope, not until commissions are done. I want to write Kelly’s Journey? Nope. Not yet. Commissions have to be completed. If I even try to do anything else, it makes me feel guilty. Heck, even writing my blog entries right now make me feel guilty because I still have more commissions to work on.
I guess a good thing is that two out of four orders have been completed. I just need to do the remaining orders. Oh boy. One order is completed sketched (it was ordered at the same time as another commission from the person, but they just recently paid for it), while the other has nothing except for some lost beginning sketches. They’re both in early enough stages for me to break them down into parts…but I don’t know if I want to do that.
If I did that, would I feel guilty? Or would I feel fine? Even if I did divide it into parts, would I have enough time to work on Japanese or Kelly’s Journey? Or would I be better off passively doing Japanese (like listening to music) while working on commissions? So many questions!
I suppose it’s just something I’ll have to just do.
I think I want to go in with a slight plan though. Like, okay, I’m going to sketch, ink, and put down the base colours for image 1, while image 2 is going to get ink and base colours, then I’ll work on Japanese or something. Or that I’ll just work on both images until I feel like dropping.
Something like that.
I don’t know.
I just need to get these commissions done…
…just so I can reopen them again.
I think it’s good I finished two so far. Not too happy though that it took me about five hours to simply colour some FISH and SNAILS in a background and to apply some textures (I blame the saving for taking too long).
I guess we’ll just have to see what I come up with, right?
Check back soonish to know more! Or not. I don’t know. Just keep reading this sad excuse for a blog.