[RAMBLES] I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything, but I Want to Do Everything

For someone like myself who has many goals, dreams, and fantasies I feel are within my reach in some form, the worst thing that can happen to me is not feeling like doing anything. I WANT to do something, to the point where I begin to get angry at myself for not doing anything. However, the moment I start to do something, I end up running off into Procrastination Land and take a shortcut to Limbo Land, where you feel like doing absolutely nothing. It’s amazing that you even get up and make food when you’re in Limbo Land.

What prompts these feelings though?

For myself, I think it’s primarily a nice concoction of stress and anxiety. It’s a bit of life’s problems mixed with some uncertainty of the future that often end up making me fall through the net of productivity, through the web of procrastination, and down into the soil of limbo. I just kind of float by day to day, wondering what to do.

Right now, the life I have known is starting to drift away from me. The story of this life that has been writing is starting to head out to its final chapters. You can just tell from these few pages that some big changes are coming. I keep having to pause the book to bury my head in it because it’s becoming so intense, dragging it out for longer. There’s decisions that I have to make and quite frankly, I don’t like any of the roads.

It’s especially hard when you’re considering another person. Then, on top of considering that other person, you’re also thinking about all the wonderful things you want to do, but can’t because life is tapping you on the shoulder to the point it’s a pestering poke, saying, “hey, you, come with me! We gotta see what else life is going to bring!”

Honestly, it’s when life likes to show its hideous face to me that I think about how, if I could, I would give up on having a life. All those life-y things like socializing and socializing…and working…and socializing, feel like a waste of time to me. Whenever a moment comes into making life decisions, all I can think is that hey, I don’t want a life. Can I just be a slave to my imagination and making it happen than have a life?

Sometimes too, I want to give up on having a life because I don’t feel like I have enough time.

However, I realize that I do have enough time — I have all the time in the world, despite how finite it is. It’s just a matter of using that time in a way that matters to me.

I’m sure some people would suggest for me to figure out my priorities to help me manage my time. While this occasionally helps, I always end up finding myself back in a loop of deteriorating motivation. Even my priorities generally end up switching. I think the only things that don’t are the priorities that involve other peoples expectations (i.e. I go to work every day I am scheduled, regardless how I feel because I am important). Everything else though, they fall into a queue of some sort and switch every so often.

I wish I would get out of this limbo state though. I’m lost and unmotivated, unsure what to do…