Warning: I most likely will not be editing these posts, so please forgive any mistakes I make.
I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS LAST NIGHT. I FORGOT!!!! *cries inside*
To be fair though, by the time I got home, my eyes were hurting SO badly and I couldn’t even read. That might have played a factor. I wasn’t think about how I had to write this entry, but rather I wanted my eyes to stop hurting, so I should go to bed.
Let’s talk about my day yesterday.
The day sort of started out okay. It wasn’t particularly great, but it was okay. I was hoping to go to Chipotle again and to pick up a few things related to my commissions. I also decided I was hanging out with the pretty boy once again, but after I did all this stuff.
So, I started my day by picking up the stuff for commissions. I headed to Chipotle after, but I decided to head over to Hurricane’s house because I felt he needed me more than I needed Chipotle.
When I arrived at his house, I told him we were going to take a walk. I was hungry since I ate nothing, so we went to Burger King since it was cheap. I honestly either wanted Chipotle or pizza, but that’s okay. He tried to urge me not to buy anything and I agreed out of anger, but then I explained that I ate NOTHING. I probably will eat NOTHING for the rest of the day. He understood what I was saying and we went in. Much to my surprise, our meal cost half as much as it usually does. I don’t really know why.
After Burger King, we walked over to Daniel’s house. Daniel and his mother so kindly took a break from homework to talk with us. The talking, I think, ultimately made us just more depressed. I got worked up myself, remembering a time earlier this year that really, truly sent me spiraling downwards and I’m having a hard time getting back up. We both left depressed and agreed that we might as well see Daniel’s grandmother, who so kindly offered us a place where we could have alone time.
We went over there, talked to her for a while, and eventually retreated upstairs where we snuggled and made out and it was fun. His mood VERY QUICKLY lifted. My mood sort of did, but I’ll admit even I am still feeling down.
We left on a more positive note and Hurricane told me if I’m ever feeling depressed, tell him and he’ll send me a picture of his beautiful face. I love him, hee hee.
Oh, yeah, and I finally told him that I don’t really want a house and I absolutely don’t want to focus on one. I want to save in passing (which just means where I save money and not think about saving it; this is generally done with automatic transfers to my savings). I don’t really even know WHAT I want. I used to want a house really badly, then everybody was all like “oh no, you’d like a condo/apartment better because you don’t have to deal with snow/etc.” so now I’m confused because I know I REALLY wanted a house before and because SOOOOO many people were insisting I would like an apartment because I wouldn’t have to deal with snow (how do you guys know I don’t like to shovel snow? When I did it, it was fun), so now my brain is utterly confused and I don’t really know. I’m sure somebody wants to tell me that houses are too much of an upkeep, but…I want that. But I don’t know. It’s all really too much and I don’t even want or feel I NEED to focus on a house right now. It just brings up empty anxiety. I’m better off focusing on SAVING MONEY and building up my business. I can’t really buy ANYTHING without money saved, so what’s the point of looking, other than to get an idea of what I want?
I told him all that while we were walking to Burger King.
Okay, so, rounding back to bringing him back home, I went back home and got on my computer. I decided to actually make myself dinner, although it wasn’t really satisfying because, in all honesty, I don’t have much of an appetite right now.
I can’t remember if this was before or after I made food, but I began to ask Hurricane what he wanted his anime self to look like again, since I couldn’t quite remember. He fixed the details for me and I promptly doodled them. The end result was:
He asked me to make the bangs shorter, which I did. He also asked me to remove the sweatshirt. Otherwise, I got his approval. He really loved the pose! (And so do I! It’s adorable!)
I told him I would try doing a serious version of it (i.e. lining and colouring) later. I wanted to use it for his website, which I now want to make him quickly because he reopened MUSIC COMMISSIONS!!!! You do NOT know how excited I am for it!!! Although I won’t be getting anything, I am still SO excited! I miss his music so much.
At some point my eyes started hurting, so I went to bed. And that was that.
I’m sure some people are asking why was I still down.
I’m still down, despite all the attention and snuggling I get from the pretty boy, because I haven’t been doing enough creative works. When I do creative works and I do them frequently enough and in large doses, I’m able to maintain a balance. My life runs smoothly. Depression goes away as fast as it comes, assuming depression is even able to seep through in the first place. Every aspect of my life is happy and unhappiness doesn’t stick for long. However, when I stay away from doing these creative works for too long, I start to become unstable, like pulling out a Jenga block. I’m always able to identify this: usually this happens because I become lazy and let all the autopilot stuff, like working at a job, driving, paying bills, etc. be the only things I do during a day. I soon end up very lost and disconnected.
I’m not saying the autopilot stuff isn’t important, because it is, but I find those stuff don’t require the type of effort it takes me for my creative stuff because all that stuff is autopilot for me. It’s programmed into me. It feels like an obligation I have to do, especially because both my survival and other people depend on it. However…those don’t take up my whole day. Even if I have a full day and end up with only 5 to 10 minutes before bed, it’s still not my whole day. The creative stuff, on the other hand, requires a conscious effort on my part because it’s far too easy to lazy around. It’s far easy in my free time to poke around endlessly on Facebook, when in that time I could have been doing something much better.
This year has been particularly hard for me because my brain was a huge bully, telling me I had to focus my attention 100% on work and finding a house. My brain didn’t even allow me to have a fun creative thought — if I did, it would make me guilty and tell me I’m not allowed to do that. I wasn’t allowed to do anything creative at all. I was really hoping for some guidance in how to balance this out because this fearful need, this heavy pressure was crushing me, but instead I just got repeatedly slapped in the face and eventually crushed.
It was only when I took a step back and realized, you know, not doing these creative things is the most unproductive thing I could be doing right now. My brain’s not even functioning right now because of all the fear, anxiety, and pressure.
I did try to, but I was also aware that the dosage I was doing them in was too small to be super effective (no, that’s not a Pokémon reference). I mean, it did help a bit and a couple times, my anxiety wasn’t too bad, but I very quickly fell again.
Even right now, out of that situation, I am still feeling the effects. I am making more of an effort now to give myself the dosage I need to be stable again so I can stop feeling so down. I know a lot of people will dismiss it as “unimportant” and a “luxury”, but for me, it is a necessity. I consider creative a necessary part of life, especially for myself, since it helps me maintain a balance I need to keep on living. Without it, I crumble. I lose the will to work on anything. I lose the will to live. The only thing I end up willing is a desire to die, or at least be homeless, and none of that is very fun or leads to a good life. It just leads to ruin.
In short, my ongoing depression is from a lack of creative pursuits in my life. I’m on my way to change that so I can be in harmony again, but it’ll be a while, I’m sure.
I hope all of you are doing well.
I’m contemplating what to eat.