Inner Feelings & Nerdy Thoughts

So, not much as been going on in the human world for me. I have a lot going on in my mind right now and I have a lot to do and get done. I’ve been hanging out with a few of my friends more recently and it’s starting to make me rethink my offline friendships, in a not positive way. I’m sort of getting the feeling that I should drop them, despite how good the friendships are. I guess a part of me is afraid of getting hurt, while the other part of me doesn’t feel like putting in the effort. I’m starting to get irritated with one of my friends when I talk to them, while with the other one, there’s a whole lot more confusion going on that I don’t care to explain right now. I might in time, but I really need to figure out where I stand.

My gender fluidity has also been really strange lately, where it’s been generally staying in one area over another. It was stuck at just outright gender neutral for a while, but has seemed to start moving again. I feel like my girl side has been out more primarily – I think she’s getting tired of me putting her off and repressing her. Right now my girl side isn’t out (it’s the gender netural-guy side that is, which is often what’s out), but it’s still worth noting her more frequent appearance. It has made me start wishing my gender would stay static at a guy (since it’s when I feel the best and most comfortable with myself). On the other hand, I would like to start working towards making my fluidity more apparent on the outside and not just on the inside.

I realized over the past few weeks on how trapped I am. I am mentally trapped. I am physically trapped. All I want to do is get out, but that’s impossible. I actually have my own self trapped. Then on top of it, there’s a ton more gates trapping me put up by other people. I really want to break out of my cell. I want to let myself be free. I want to reflect my inner fluidity outward. I want to wear what I feel like and not get strange looks, remarks, or anything that is going to make me feel like an idiot. I know what I can do to breakout of that mental cell, but I’m definitely afraid of the reactions, including the ones from myself. Even if I can breakout of the mental cell (which also would partially break me out of the physical one) and not be afraid of the reactions, there will still be a load of repression. No one is going to understand it. If no one understands why I need a wig for my girl side, how are they going to understand the way I go about releasing myself from my mental cage! My physical cage is a bit more tricky to get out of, especially since I’m pretty sure at this point, there is literally no where in the world I could ever truly call “home”.

I wish the world wasn’t as predictable as it is. It honestly makes life so boring. I have yet to go somewhere where positive things happened that I didn’t expect. I think the most unexpected thing that happened lately was my friend getting me a gift card (which I’ll talk about more in a moment).

I love being alone, so don’t get me wrong with what I’m about to say. Sometimes, I really wish there was just one person who would assist me in living out my life in the way I want to. More would obviously be welcome, but even one person would make experiencing it a lot easier and a lot fuller. Some people might be thinking I’m talking about love, but this is very far from it. Very far. I guess you can say I need someone who will play pretend with me to the point where it’s no longer pretend. I know that’s really confusing, but that’s what I feel. They also need to know chivalry isn’t dead to me. I wish I could go into detail of what my life would be ideally, but I’ll be laughed at and probably called insane. I don’t feel like dealing with that. I already wrote too much.

I guess I’ll just have to take everything day by day slowly. A lot of the things that are causing me problems now need other things done before them to help figure them out.

Okay, enough of the confusing, semi-emotional opening! Let’s get to the past few weeks, shall we? The past two weeks have been pretty geeky and I’m hoping they’ll only get geekier!

Now, where to start? I guess I should probably briefly mention that Ryan came over 3 times in the past four weeks or so. He was free when I wanted to hang out with someone, so we did. There was one day he came over after work and was going to stay a while, but had to go home because he needed to mow the lawn. For that particular day, we literally just sat and talked until he was like “I gotta leave”. I spent about a week whining sometime for a friend to come over (my social quota was not filled) and he was eventually available to come over again. I haven’t seen him since though.

For some reason, probably coincidentally, I spent about three days hanging out with my family. I spent a few hours talking my mom’s ear off, which is always awkward for me because I really don’t want her to respond to some things, but want her to respond to others. I’m also aware she doesn’t care about certain things I talk about (like the parts of my life I actually find interesting i.e. all my works), which also makes it awkward. I then somehow preceded to spend time with her and Devin in the kitchen another day and again in the living room and kitchen, watching Once Upon a Time. Each day I hung out with them was just another reminder of how I don’t belong and how I really should be leaving sooner than later. The longer I spent time with them, the worse I felt about myself and, well, everything. It’s not like they were doing anything to cause that either except actually including me in things! Honestly, none of the feeling has to do with them, all of them has to do with me. Self hatred isn’t fun.

Last week was pretty decent. I had decided to really push myself into just working on Japanese again. I didn’t really feel like working on it, but I really can’t be putting it off for much longer. I was trying to wait until I was in “Japanese mode” again, but I was failing to put myself into it, so I just went ahead and occasionally reviewed my flashcards. I thought I had to copy the kanji for lesson 8 into my notebook, but I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t need to! So I copied the grammar section instead. Knowing I didn’t really want to work on Japanese, or anything really, I let myself do something else as well: play video games. I started playing a game called Mother 1 and started to play Assassin’s Creed again (which I had to restart for some reason).

At the beginning of the week, I was talking to my good friend who I am going to call Blue. Blue was showing me him playing his PS3 through his computer using a capture card when we were on Skype. I thought the game he was playing looked interesting, but didn’t necessarily feel like playing it. I felt like playing my PS3 though. I’ve been meaning to hook it up in my room for a few months now (it used to be in the game room, but everyone plays Xbox and ignores the Wii & PS3 except me), so I finally hooked it up that night. I made my own log in account on the system. My friend suggested I get a PSN (Playstation Network) account. When he told me it was free, I immediately got one and he told me to ask him something in two days. I popped in Assassin’s Creed and started it up, ready to start playing it again. I wanted to shut off the PS3 when I saw my save file wasn’t there and that I had to start a new game! I didn’t though and just started a new game, figuring that it would refresh my memory of the storyline so far.

About two days later, my friend texted me and told me to come online. I went on and he told me to go to the Redeem Code section of PSN and type in the code he gave me. I was confused, but did as he requested. I was wondering what it was of, thinking maybe he somehow got one of his games onto the PSN or that there was some limited edition download thing going on. I entered in the code and saw that it said that there was $20 on whatever the code was and asked me if I wanted to add it to my PSN wallet. I got confused, wondering why he would share this with me…when it hit me.

He actually bought me a $20 gift card for the Playstation Network store! I clasped my hands over my mouth when I realized that. It was so unexpected! I never thought he would get me something like that. It was a belated birthday gift from him. I felt quite honoured to receive it! I then bought two games he had on his recommendation list, since I thought I would like ’em.

Since I was playing so many video games, I decided that I would play Mother 1 for a certain set amount of hours and I would play Assassin’s Creed until I completed one mission, then I would have to get my work done. This…semi-worked. Didn’t work as well as I wanted it to, but oh well. Eventually I dropped mother because Assassin’s Creed‘s storyline was getting more interesting as the game progressed.

Especially when I got to Memory Block 6.

…do you know what, let me give you the basic gist if you haven’t played Assassin’s Creed. It’s a video game series about Assassins (if that isn’t obvious). The first game is about a guy named Desmond who gets kidnapped by some laboratory who needs to access his ancestor’s (Altär) memories that are stored in his DNA (because apparently, in the world of the game, DNA can store actual memories) to find something. You’re left pretty in the dark about everything, other than it has something to do with these groups of people called the Templars and the Assassins. You use a machine called the Animus to access the ancestors memories and you get to become the ancestor and do missions. The game has you start off about 6 “memory blocks” away from the target memory that the laboratory needs to access.

Okay, just as a warning, if you want to play this game, skip this section. It contains SPOILERS!

Anyway, so I got to memory block 6 and figured there was only one more person I needed to kill – a guy named Robert. So, I get to where Robert is suppose to be, which was at some funeral. At the end of the cut scene, I get pointed out and about 7 guards rush to me, including Robert. I tried to fend them off, but I had trouble! I honestly couldn’t tell if I was just having trouble with the controls (I’ve honestly had more soldiers fight me before than, so I don’t know if that was the case), if the soldiers were harder, or if it had to do with the freakin’ archers also shooting arrows at me. I think I died about 7 times just trying to figure out if I should defeat the archers first, focus on Robert, or what. I finally decided that going for Robert was my best bet, which turned out to be right.

…except for the part where the person wasn’t Robert, but a decoy. I was dumbfounded, but also quickly pleased by the fact that the decoy was a woman. She was stupidly hard to defeat! Even when I was in direct combat with her, she was hard! I couldn’t really stay mad, but I did get annoyed because I had to go ride to a new location where Robert was. Altär let the woman go and headed for where Robert was.

And by Altär, I mean me. I got confused on where to go, but eventually found my way. I was expecting Robert to be pretty dang hard, but do you know what? He was easy. Pathetically easy. I laughed at how easy he was. I was expecting him to be much harder than the woman!


The storyline got REALLY interesting from there, both in the past and in the current time in the game (which I had to piece together what was going on via in-game e-mails between the characters and some snooping). I didn’t want to stop playing it, it was so interesting! I basically spent Easter and Monday finishing the game. The ending of the game was so shocking for me – it ended with a blatant cliff hanger! Most of the time, video games seem to have an “open-end” (meaning that they could have more games or they could just leave it at that) or a “closed end” (no sequels)). Not this game, nope. Blatant cliff hanger. Thank goodness I already had Assassin’s Creed II!

I popped it in last night and started playing it. Within the beginning’s recap of the first game, I knew I was going to love it. I was a bit reluctant as playing as Ezio in the Animus 2.0 when I thought about it, but as soon as he came on screen, I fell in love with his character! I generally like characters who are very similar to me in personality traits or have personality traits that are what I wish I could have. Ezio’s considerably carefree personality won me right away. I very quickly became attached to his character – I don’t think I’ve had this sort of emotional attachment to a fictional character in a long time. I felt really in sync with him when he was running around Italy in the Assassin’s gear for the first time. It’s a weird feeling to explain, but I felt like he was a child which made it so much easier for me to connect with him. Other than wanting to beat up the younger sister’s jerk of a boyfriend. I could connect with wanting to do that as well. Except, unlike me, Ezio can actually do that. I cannot wait to play more tonight!

Then today, after I woke up, I logged onto deviantART and saw people drawing the “Pokémon Black 2 and White 2 female protagonist”. I quickly went onto Bulbapedia and saw that the Corocoro scans had been leaked with information about the new Pokémon games. I cannot tell you how excited I am. The plot of the game seems pretty good, there seems to only be one rival (YES!!), old Pokémon will be mixed in with the new (YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!), and a couple of new characters. I was so relieved when they showed the new protagonist! I don’t like the old ones from BW, so I’m glad they’re gone.

And…well, yeah. That’s about it. Nothing really exciting.

So yeah…talk to ya next time?