So, for whatever reason, last week, my depression and social anxiety decided to spring on me at the last minute. Well, more like creep up on me. It was like I was super slowly going down a ramp into a sea of depression. It’s still with me, even now. I really don’t get it.
About two weeks ago I was rather social. Heck, I was rather social for the past few months with no problems. I wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t feeling any sort of fear. If I felt anything, I was just annoyed. Not last week though! Nope! Depression and Social Anxiety must have been missing me because they crept up behind me and gave me a huge, cold hug. Not cool. Not cool at all.
On Wednesday night, I believe, my mom told me that Devin and Ken were going to work on the tub upstairs in her room, since it needed a new faucet or something. Anyway, I sort of was like “okay” and didn’t really care. On Thursday, I was going to do my laundry and do my Japanese in between loads. I thought it seemed like a good way to do things.
Then we get to Thursday. I woke up early in the day (of course, since that’s how the entire week has been) and hopped onto my computer. I left a rather long status telling people that I wasn’t going to be online for most of the day because I was going to be getting Japanese and chores done, as well as talked to some of my online friends. I spent about three hours working on the previous entry that morning. I was pretty tired, so I decided to go take a nap. I slept for about an hour before I heard my phone being bombarded by text. I got up and went to my phone, seeing several text messages – the water had to be shut off because the tub was being worked on. My day was already thrown off that morning from writing that journal entry for so long – it just got even more thrown off from the fact I couldn’t do my laundry because the water was shut off! At this point, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I couldn’t go online because I already said I wasn’t going to and I suddenly was turned off from working on my Japanese. I was thinking of going back to bed, but I decided to start working on Japanese. I wanted to try and get lessons 5 and 6 finish, but I failed. I got to the kanji portion of my notes (which I do before grammar and expression notes) for lesson 5 before I decided to go to bed.
I woke up on Friday, deciding that I wasn’t going to do any Japanese. However, due to the fact I studied Japanese for 4 days, my mind was more in “Japanese mode”. That morning when I woke up, I sorted out my laundry that morning and began to wash my clothes. I can’t really remember what I did in between, other than sort out my laundry and tidy up my room a tidy bit. When my first load of laundry was done, I was getting ready to switch it out, but nooooooo. The clothes that I had in the dryer still were damp. Oh. And earlier in the day, I found the books I ordered last month were all sold out and I wouldn’t be getting them. That was pretty much when I knew that the day was going to suck. I was hoping Ryan and Tom would cheer me up when they came over.
I had to bring Ayden to the office that day and ended up cutting it close to 5, which was when Ryan and Tom arrived. I was about 15 minutes late of meeting them at my house and felt bad. They had just been sitting out in Ryan’s car, playing their 3DSes. That was fine, but I was annoyed that they were playing them when they were inside. Normally, I would actually join them, but I really wasn’t in the mood to do much. If anything, I wanted to study. I eventually joined them for SwapNote. We hung out for a while, ordered pizza, watched Doctor Who, then talked for several hours. We were all sort of tired and kind of started pretending to shoot each other with inanimate objects. Tom and Ryan primarily fought with empty water jugs. In between the fights, we decided to give our awesome trio a name – TriForce, named after the triforce in the Legend of Zelda games. Ryan holds courage, I hold wisdom, and Tom holds power. To be honest though, I seem to hold all of those. I actually really wanted power, but I seemed to be best suited for wisdom (especially with the amount of knowledge I have). Anyway, I was starting to get slightly annoyed with the battles (to some people, this might seem normal for me to feel, but the annoyance was amplified because I wasn’t in a good mood in general) and made a mini fan out of the Pizza Hut coupon thing that came on top of the pizza boxes and began whacking them both (if I had a bigger piece of paper, I would have used it). Eventually we hung out in the guest room and watched YouTube videos. Ryan and Tom ended up going on their 3DSes. I got bored and slightly annoyed, so I retreated to my room and went to sleep. I had trouble shaking off the anxious feeling that made me feel like I had two plates in my head that shifted out of place. I felt off balance. I tried to shake it off, did a few SwapNotes, and then went to bed.
Only a few hours after I woke up and they woke up, they had to leave. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being disliked and/or annoyed at. If I feel that feeling, it’s usually not as intense as I felt it. I’m hoping it was just my social anxiety acting up and not actually them being annoyed at me. After they left, my mood honestly got worse. My depression sunk to an all time low, probably the lowest I have felt in a long while. It was as if Tom and Ryan were parts of a dam that hadn’t fallen yet, and once they did, all the water rushed through and I sunk. I felt horrible, but I decided that I had no choice. I had to get over it and trudge through everything. I felt zero motivation to work on Japanese, so I shifted my focus to my artwork and got the lineart finished for an art trade with a friend. Once that was finished, I decided to catch up on TV shows. I couldn’t really do much about my depression anyway, so having a good distraction worked. I brainstormed a potential story for a bit once I got tired enough, and headed to bed. I fell asleep feeling my entire hard cold. It was just like having a cold air inside of my chest, even colder than the rest of my body. It was left a lump in my throat. It has to be one of the worst feelings I have felt in a long time, probably number 3 or 4. The whole Anime Club drama and my dad clearly preferring his girlfriend’s family both were worse feelings. I went to bed really late this day.
By the time I woke up on Sunday, it was after 4 PM and honestly, I was feeling considerably better. I felt a bit happier. I got onto my computer and worked on a few more artworks, since I still need to get those done. I’m still trudging through getting the ones for other people finished before I do mine. However, since I was feeling blah, I decided that I was going to do a picture for myself. I had trouble picking out which one I wanted to do, but ended up deciding on this really awesome one of Kelly and Gardévoir. There were a few others calling me to work on them, including an Onlyinadreamshipping one and a few with original characters. I went with Kelly since she’s the character closest to my heart and the one with Gardévoir for no particular reason, other than the fact it’s one of my favourite pictures. I also did the gift request for one of my awesome Kelly’s Journey readers. I hope she likes it – it was fun to draw. I began to work on the picture for my good friend, Hurricane360, but kept stopping because there’s so much in that dang picture. It’s a good picture and all, but much more than I have the patience for.
Today, I worked more on Hurricane360’s artwork and listened to music. I was going to work on Japanese, but I have no motivation and when I’m depressed, I have trouble concentrating. I usually have to do something I find therapeutic – sometimes it’s drawing, writing, or in the most recent case, sewing. I’m frustrated because there’s a rather large outfit I want to sew, but I have no idea where my sewing pins have gone to hold down my fabric. I did hand stitch a choker I’ve been meaning to make for a while, finally, the other day. Anyway, I woke up again after 4 PM. I know at some point, I’m gonna have to do my Japanese. I gave myself two weeks per lesson, which I do feel is more than enough. I hope I can just get through it. During this week I’ll force myself to finish the two remaining lessons. I was pretty much fine for the entire day until it hit about midnight. I heard talking. I could feel myself being hit with both fear and annoyance. While my music generally drowned it out, I was hungry and wanted to go make something. However, since there were people out in the kitchen, I didn’t want to go out for the risk of unwanted interaction or being looked at while getting something. I messaged my mom on MSN to complain and just basically rambled and listened to what she had to say. About two hours later, it was silent and I quickly made myself a lunch. I watched the newest episode of Once Upon a Time, listened to music (my newest favourite song is “Vanity” by Lady Gaga – I am going to do an acapella cover of it one of these days), took a shower, and now I’m here writing up this entry.
I’m seriously wondering why in the world my depression and social anxiety suddenly decided to spring on me. I’ve had tiny amounts of it the past few months, all of it completely ignorable. You know it’s bad when you’re with some of your best friends and you’re feeling like you’re disliked and you’re almost scared of them for no reason. I’ve went over my past week and while there are things that disappointment, none of them are enough to actually make me depressed. It’s honestly like the depression and [social] anxiety was hanging out in the far back of my mind and decided to pour out on me all of the sudden.
– I was on a “normal” sleeping schedule
– Spent everyday on Japanese; nearly 8 hours of complete immersion on two of the days, at least
– Spent most of Tuesday grocery shopping
– Didn’t go onto instant messengers for two or three days
– My plans of Tuesday and Thursday got shafted because of unexpected events (grocery shopping for 4 hours; water being temporarily turned off)
– Didn’t get to clean up my room like I wanted to
– Failed to get my laundry done
– Friends came over and I wasn’t able to enjoy their company
…okay, I can see why I could get depressed, but I can’t see where the social anxiety comes in. I also don’t feel that I should be this drastically depressed. I actually feel like the depression is more from the social anxiety, which, again, I have no idea where it came from. While earlier in 2011, I could have understood where it came from, now I don’t, especially with the past few months of being so social.
And yes, being on a “normal” sleeping schedule is troublesome for me. The daytime makes me horribly moody for whatever reason.
Some people suggested my depression might be a lack of sleep, but I’ve honestly been getting at least 8 hours, if not more, so I have to doubt that’s it. Maybe it’s the sudden conversion to a “normal” sleeping schedule. I don’t know.
I almost told Ryan and Tom not to come over that day. I wonder if I should have…