I really hate those moments when I ask myself “well, what do I wanna do?”. Sometimes I’m just sitting at my computer, shading an older image of mine without much of a thought and suddenly the question of whether I really want to be doing this comes to mind. I hate it even more when other people ask me what I want to do because I get pressured and scramble for an answer that isn’t actually there. I always try to spit out something when I’m talking to other people, coming off as this optimistic, blind sighted dreamer, when in actuality it’s me expressing my own denial of my own failure.
Failure in what, you may ask. I simply do not know. I think the lyric “I feel like I’m the worst, so I always act like I’m the best” from Marina & the Diamond’s “Oh No” summarizes my own feelings. A lot of times I go around, acting high and mighty, a ruler of their own nation, and that I’m fantastic at everything I do, even when I fail. Of course, underneath, I feel incompetent, pathetic, and a lowly being. Okay, not in all areas, but when it comes to reality itself, yes. I completely do.
It’s so hard to explain my feelings.
Maybe it’s my fear of being normal that shy’s me away from participating in society, the desire to get a job, keep a job, go to school? Or perhaps it’s the desire to destroy myself? Or maybe wanting to be able to do everything on my own, by myself, with no help from others? Or a fusion of everything.
“What’s wrong with being normal?” asks people.
I answer back “nothing…” with my voice trailing off and a look off to the side. There isn’t anything wrong with “normal”. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with “normal”. Yet, on the back of my tongue and in the pit of my stomach, there is a vomit of negativity scraping against me telling me that normal is wrong.
It’s a pre-programmed, pre-mapped out, arguably easy (if not simplistic) way of going about life where everyday is a barren wasteland of people just attempting to survive in something that was built upon thousands of years of human experience.
I feel terrible for all these people who wake up everyday and have to scrape themselves out of bed and go work at a job they probably don’t even like, pushing themselves just to get a measly paycheck that is just enough to pay all their bills, buy food, and get gas. I feel bad that they don’t have a choice in the matter.
And, as I realize and try so hard to deny, I don’t have a choice in the matter either. The only choice I have is when I decide to “grow up” and get a job. You know, participate in society.
The society I didn’t ask to be part of.
I didn’t even ask to be born.
There is no choice. I can only milk living off my mom for so long. Not to mention, I don’t want to live off my mom. I want to buy stuff. I want to buy things to furnish my room with. Maybe one day get a place of my own. I feel bad asking her to buy me things or for money. Of course, in order for me to stop doing that, I need to get a job.
I guess I end up throwing myself a self-pity party in my head when it comes to this, then I need to distract myself because the deeper I think about it, the more I want to kill myself because do you know what, I don’t want to participate and there is no choice! There’s always a safety net somewhere under me, including one that acts more like a wall pushing me to the door of ~society~.
Actually, do you know what, I’m totally over exaggerating. Heck, I’m even at a point that I’m wishing I was normal. Hang up all those fancy dreams I claim I want, yet really don’t. Stop drawing, writing, and all those things that show just a shred of creativity. Get rid of all things that are extremely geeky in my life. Go to a job everyday that I go to only to get money. Come home tired, spend the reminder of the night absentmindedly watching TV before I head to bed and repeat the same ritual over and over again. Bank up the money and buy myself an apartment or a house.
Of course, I say that, but then I remember that every time I try to hang up all those fancy dreams – wearing pretty 18th, 19th century inspired coats, vests, and dresses, recording carefully planned music videos with covers to some pop songs I adore, writing story after story & drawing picture after picture to expand the fictional worlds in my head – my entire world becomes empty. All my motivation and aspiration die. It’s what conjures up tears and brings me to the darkest parts of depression. All those silly dreams, fantasies are what keeps me going in the long run. Not the people I know or the money I make or the stuff I own, but rather the potential to build those fantasies into realities. They are part of the reason why I stop myself and think “I need a job to get money”.
Then I get scared, anxious. Afraid that taking a job will take up all my time, leaving no room for the silly fantasies to become a reality. Afraid of all the effort it will take to even make the fantasies into realities. I’m even more afraid when I put school in the picture, ignoring my other issues with schools, as it would take up much time as well. Is it all worth it?
Then I run.
I run from everything.
Not physically, but mentally. I run from everything – the fact I need a job, for a better (possibly more enjoyable) job I need to go to school, the things I truly want to do and the time & effort they take to make a reality. It scares me, it makes me anxious, and it makes me worn out even before I started.
I fill up my time with so many idle tasks just to delay what I need to be doing for longer. I’m so backed up with these idle tasks, my brain isn’t really letting me do much else. And, quite frankly, it sucks. My brain won’t even let me scrap everything I need to do.
I mean, I guess luckily (?) for me right now, my primary idle task focus is just finishing up this huge back catalog of artwork, which I decided to do because since 2009, I did artwork primarily for others and not for myself and I wanted to, for once, have some all to myself. Pretty stupid, huh? Especially since there’s more important things that I need to be doing, like researching schools and finding a job. A part of my mind is screaming about doing those two things, but an even stricter, louder part is yelling that I can’t do that right now, as it would add unneeded stress and just continue to upset me. My table of things to do needs to be cleaned off before I even attempt it.
Which is another thing I have issues explaining to people. Once my mind is set on doing something it cannot be changed. Things may be added, but will not be removed unless I didn’t really want to do them in the first place. Even if logically speaking, something needs to be a priority, if my mind already has another, seemingly less important task as the number one priority, it will go with that. Yes, I will fight it and temporarily win…until my brain starts making me slower than usual and screams at me to work on the other, less important task and the more I fight it, the more upset I get. And then I end up giving in because I simply cannot put up with the internal fighting anymore.
Imagine that you and your best friend wanted to do two different things. Your thing is more important than theirs, but they don’t care – they want to do their thing first! Then you try and drag them off to do your thing, but they pull back. You guys tug and tug until they decide to go boneless on you. You’re able to drag their “boneless” body with you for a while, but you can only last so long. You end up giving into them because it’ll make things faster in the long run.
That is how it is with my mind much of the time.
Do you know what’s sad? In this current point in time, I feel no aspiration to do anything. I’m actually surprised I’ve been cleaning these past few days and slowly working on artwork, to be honest. I like to think it’s the part of me that’s saying to get these tasks done so I can work on other, more important things. I’ve really only been focused on cleaning/reorganizing my room, with some artwork and other procrastination in between.
The artwork does have to get done at some point soon in order for me to move on, you know.
And I can already feel the worried sighs and the eye rolls happening inside of me with images of various people in my head.
Linking back to what I was originally going to talk about, I really hate the question of “what do you want to do”. Not the one where you’re hanging out with a friend and you guys aren’t really sure what activity to start because you ran out of things to talk about. The one that’s really asking what do you want to do right now with your life. I have a hard enough time answering this question when I ask myself, let alone when other people ask. I think a part of it is the fear and the anxiety, but the other part is it tires me out to think about it.
I have to admit, going to school and getting a job is not on that list. I don’t even feel like it’s on my long term list. It’s just not something I think about. I mean, I don’t not think about it. I just don’t think about it so heavily in detail as I do with the other things. In terms of a job, I know I need one and a part of me definitely wants one for buying stuff (which can range from books and movies to a house, just for your information), but I really do feel that when the time is right I’ll get one – and, contrary to what people believe or desire, that time is not now. For school, I’m not enthusiastic about it, as I would most likely have to go to a physical classroom and I HATE physical classrooms with a burning passion. I don’t mind virtual ones that much, as they’re asynchronous and allows for me to go at my own pace (which can be faster or slower depending on the subject). I just hate school. Don’t get me wrong – I actually love learning – but I just hate school. Hate. Hate. Hate. I know so many people are going to be like “oooh, college is soooo different from high school”. Ha. Ha. Ha. Yeaaah. Right. Bare basics, it’s still a building, most likely brick, with chairs and desks, and an instructor in front of a class, with a mixture of people with different ages. I still hate it. School does not equal learning and it makes me very sad people just don’t realize that. Yes, it can assist you with learning, but you yourself have to do the learning. You have to educate yourself. All school might do is potentially provide you with the materials to do so. Maybe.
I’m still thinking a history degree if I do go. Might as well. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s simple and straight forward enough for me to do and if I got stuck with a job that involved me spending time exploring the past, I would be moderately content for most of my life.
No art careers for me. No writing books for a living. No drawing pictures for advertisements. No creating websites for people other than myself. You know, all those things people think I should be doing or I used to consider me going into. Please, I’d just like to spend time in history, thank you very much.
Okay, this is one of those points where I’m like “wait a minute, I don’t think much about it? What am I talking about”.
’cause clearly I do think about it. I mean, look at the history degree thing. I know I want it. I know why I want it. I know I would like to be a museum curator or something similar. My focus area would be pre-1900s. Sure, there’s still some details I need to work out about more specific areas of focus for the degree, but those will come as I take classes and figure it out. I pretty much just need to find a school, discuss things with my parents, do the application progress, and actually get accepted. Stuff which I don’t want to do, particularly right now. And by right now, I mean in this moment and 11 months from now. I think. Maybe 6 months from now. I don’t know. After my list is cleared or almost cleared.
The job thing, yeah, I know I haven’t really put much thought into it, but there doesn’t really need to be that much thought – the process is simple: find a place, apply, contact them to note that you’re interested still, and go for an interview if they call you back. I even know which place I’m going to target for my job (JoAnn Fabrics because why not! Also, the ones around here have slow services and it seems like it would be a decent fit for me).
Then we get to the other things I think about doing. The ones that aren’t the “priority” ones people think I don’t think about. Probably because I don’t focus on the priority ones as much nor do I care about talking about them. Partially because it makes me upset and I feel like I’m pushing into the ground when I do, and partially because I just don’t care. It doesn’t interest me. It’s like when someone starts talking about their love life or starts asking me questions about my life that doesn’t involve my creative works – I don’t care and I find it boring.
My current agenda basically looks like this – – Complete all back catalog artwork (less than 20 to shade; 43 or less to put backgrounds onto)
– Complete website (various information pages, all graphics/artwork, layouts)
– Reopen commissions
– Complete Genki II
All these tasks are leftover from last year’s goals. There’s one more – writing episodes 19 and 20 of Kelly’s Journey – but it falls short of priority level and isn’t a bothering my mind as much. It feels more like one of those things I’ll do after everything else is finished or almost finished.
Wow, now that I actually wrote that out, I’m realizing it’s actually not that much to do. Well, I say that but actually breaking it down and the time (and effort) it takes is a lot harder.
I actually find reopening commissions to be pretty important, since they are an extra income of money (so my primary paycheck from an actual job can pay for things like food and gas and not that Blu-Ray I really, really want from a series that I love of a season that hasn’t shown up on Netflix yet). But before I do that, I need to actually properly put up my website so I have a page with organized information about the commissions.
And before I do that, I need to get all my old artwork finished because my brain isn’t allowing me to properly draw anything new to colour until all that other stuff is finished!
I’ve actually tried to get ahead of myself and work on my website, but it’s honestly not the same without all the finished graphics at my disposal. It makes it hard for me to determine how visually pleasing the layout is and whatnot without them! The most I was able to work on was the site information, since that just involves typing.
What I think I want to do right now is just clear off my to-do table of these things so I can attempt to focus on things that matter to both my survival and my interest. I feel like once all these things are out of the way, I will be ready for “battle”. I will be ready to start what people have been wanting me to do. I’ll also be able to start doing the things that I want to do.
But really, what do I want to do? What do I really, truly want to do once my table has been cleaned off?
There’s so many potential ideas, but I won’t go with any for now. It’s bound to change. Or I’ll stop thinking about it out of worry of pushing myself too hard to get to it and get stressed out.
And wow. I feel a lot better rambling all of this. Thank you internet. Thank you dear readers.
I know some people are going to have words of encouragement or their two cents. I’d prefer if you didn’t, but do if you absolutely must.